Global warming belief fluctuating

Illustration from
Illustration from

Many convinced by weather, rather than by facts

By Chandler Walter, Humour Editor

A recent survey from Stats Canada has delivered some intriguing information regarding the legitimacy of global warming.

Canadian belief in global warming has skyrocketed over just the past few months, most notably around May and June. We asked a few of the survey takers about their change in belief.

“Well, I was a skeptic at first,” said survey taker, Tom Greere. “But after all this sun we’ve been getting, it’s kind of silly to think that the globe isn’t getting warmer. I mean, just feel the water at your local lake! It has warmed! Without a doubt it has warmed!”

Eddie Stark, however, had a different view on things: “Winter is coming. Yes it is a summer of flower and sunshine, when the ice melts on the wall and the grass is greener than a Crannogman’s bride, but winter is coming as it always has, and always will. What is this global warming you speak of?”

Unfortunately we could not interview Eddie any longer, as he had some “honour and duty” to attend to.

An estimated 75 per cent of Canadians believe global warming to be true at the time of the most recent survey, that being the first week of August. When paralleled with the second to last survey, taken in the dark months of January, a whopping 35 per cent drop in belief was evident.

We talked to a leading expert on the subject, environmentalist Richard Barker.

“You see … how can I put this simply … some people mistake global warming to mean it will simply get hotter and hotter until the sun explodes or everything becomes a desert. That is not actually the case. The truth is that the entirety of the planet gets just a little bit warmer each year, in comparison to each season, respectively. This slight change has massive impacts on weather, climate, and tide, among other things.”

However, when asked to explain why it still gets cold during the winter, Dr. Barker merely shook his head and refused to answer.

What we have taken from all of this scientific malarkey is as clear as this beautiful summer day: the Earth has weather. And it gets hot and cold, sometimes. We think. Somehow this affects what people believe about things, maybe.

The real truth behind global warming remains ever the unsolvable mystery, though honestly how bad could it be, always having summer.

That’s how this all works, right?