By Chandler Walter, Humour Editor
I am the mystic. I am the teller of great truths. I harness the giant rocks in the sky. They whisper to me your future’s secrets. I will share them with you if you’re willing to pay the price of foreknowledge. Yes?
You were warned.
LIBRA
SEPTEMBER 23–OCTOBER 20
A burnt-out lighthouse guides your way. Invisible barricades are at every turn. Allow yourself to wallow. Mars aligns with Neptune, and your reckoning is at hand. エ
SCORPIO
OCTOBER 23–NOVEMBER 21
One day soon, you will wake up and the left of your peripheral vision will be blurry. You will think nothing of it. The blur becomes a shape, a faceless figure clad in translucence. You will never fully see the figure; it will dance in the left corner of your vision no matter where you look. But you will always know what or who it is, deep down in the darkest void of your heart.
SAGITTARIUS
NOVEMBER 22–DECEMBER 21
Be wary of friends, especially those closest to you. Your family is not who you believe them to be. This is not a good time to take chances. Lay low. Avoid the sunlight or outdoors, where you might be seen. Their plot thickens. Saturn knows. Saturn always knows.
CAPRICORN
DECEMBER 22–JANUARY 19
A trip in your future goes massively awry. You lose something… or someone. Plan for the worst, though know your actions cannot sway the constellations from the course they have set for you.
AQUARIUS
JANUARY 20–FEBRUARY 18
The blood moon, swollen and red, foretold your fate. Hold your loved ones close. You haven’t much time.
PISCES
FEBRUARY 19–MARCH 20
Some day soon a leg joint will start clicking with every step. You live with this for the rest of your life.
ARIES
MARCH 21–APRIL 19
A cult is waiting for you, whether to join or lead it is uncertain. To lead means corruption, to follow means certain death. A red sun rises over Jupiter, and your fate has been sealed.
TAURUS
APRIL 20–MAY 20
That ex of yours, the one who visits your dreams every so often to remind you of the part of yourself that they stole, is getting married soon. They will be happy.
GEMINI
MAY 21–JUNE 20
There is nothing foretold of you by the all-knowing space rocks. You have been cast aside by their power, let loose from the binding path of fate. What happens next is up to you. Step carefully.
CANCER
JUNE 21–JULY 22
The fourth last person you spoke to holds more of your fate in their hands than you do. They will abuse this power. You will let them. Your life will never truly be your own from this moment on. Pluto will gain its vengeance.
LEO
JULY 23–AUGUST 22
A fog lays over your future, as a mist over a cemetery in the cold hours of morning. Venus points you towards the ocean. What you might find there is unknown to all but an older you.
VIRGO
AUGUST 23–SEPTEMBER 22
You will have loved, and lost, and then have loved again; the potential for another loss is determined by your relationship with the stars. Gaze upwards, Dreamer, and remember.
IF YOUR BIRTHDAY IS TODAY
Dedication reaps little reward. All hard work and determinations turn to ash. Toil, fight, and climb the uphill battle of a disintegrating body, mind, and soul.
You are one year closer to returning to this universe as spontaneously as you came into existence.
Make the most of it.
P.S. Happy Birthday!
