Local woman fights for the right to be declared legally blonde

By Sharon Miki, Humour Editor

A 25-year-old Burnaby woman has won an almost two-month battle to be declared officially, legally, “blonde.” The woman, Ellie Woods, presented her case against the BC Court of Nonsense, based on the idea that if people can be legally married and legally divorced, she should be able to be legally the thing that she holds dearest—blonde.

“All people see when they look at me is blonde hair and big boobs,” said Woods, via a prepared statement her lawyer read to the press after the decision. “And that’s great. But I want to be recognized for my assets the same way a doctor is recognized as ‘doctor whoever.’ I want to be legally blonde.”

Fortunately for Woods, it seems that the Court of Nonsense is pretty inept, and will let you do pretty much whatever you want if you’re attractive—in a way, proving Woods’ point.

“I feel comfortable using legal jargon in everyday life—this doesn’t mean that I’m a lawyer though. Still I figured it was worth a shot to put forth a precedent-setting, sort-of-insane idea before the court,” explained Woods.

When questioned about her win, Woods countered with, “What? Like it’s hard?”

As for the future, the newly anointed blonde feels confident that she can maintain her look for the time being.

“The rules of hair care are simple and finite. Any Cosmo girl would know.”