Illustration by Cara Seccafien
Sports that the IOC should consider for Beijing 2022
By Mercedes Deutscher, Social Media Coordinator
Dear International Olympics Committee,
I am an avid fan of watching athletes from all over the world fight one another to determine who is the very best. However, I must say that I was quite disappointed in your most recent Winter Olympic Games in Pyeongchang. Don’t get me wrong, I love a good ice dance or ski jump as much as the next guy, but I see some serious room for improvements. Some of these suggestions may be unconventional—perhaps absurd by the IOC’s standards—but believe me, these games would be a hit if you included them in your 2022 Beijing Winter Olympic Games.
Ski jumps are easy if you think about it. It’s just going down an icy hill on some foot boards. But have you considered the athleticism required to go up an icy hill with nothing but your shoes, perhaps with added weight in a backpack? So far, the only name I can think of for it is “Walking up the icy hill at Douglas College during the winter because the school refused to call a snow day,” but you can call it something else if you’d like. I’ve seen many people slip and slide down the hill, but it takes a true champion to conquer it unscathed.
If that one isn’t up to your liking, I would suggest a sport that requires navigating through dangerous obstacles in the snow without proper equipment. I like to call it “Vancouver Winter.” It’s set up as a race where you win if you can get home within one hour without your socks getting wet. Bonus round if your vehicle doesn’t spin out on the road thanks to your bald summer tires.
Maybe you’ll take a liking to “Live Canada Goose Plucking.” In a bout of agility and precision, the athlete must successfully pluck a feather from a Canadian goose. The goose cannot be sleeping and must be facing the athlete. Points are deducted every time the goose successfully bites or attacks. Admittedly, Canadians may have an unfair advantage in this sport, but believe me, it won’t be easy for anyone.
I feel like I’m losing you, so I’ll leave you on this: Think of a game where people have to ski on a flat surface. No hills or momentum to keep you going except some sticks. Sounds easy? Au, contraire. The athlete also needs to carry a rifle and shoot targets with it. I think we should call it “Lefty-Righty Shooty Snow.”
Yours,
Olympic Fan.
Okay, the last one was a joke, please don’t make it an actual Olympic sport.
