Boo-berry isn’t a joke, it’s a serious threat
By Klara Woldenga, Humour Editor
After the thirteenth Pop-Tart related incident this month, the Kellogg’s company has finally issued a statement regarding the alleged “Pop-Tart Hauntings” that have plagued our nation for the past three months.
According to reports, upon eating untoasted Pop-Tarts, ghosts will pop out of the satisfied customer’s stomach and berate them with constant booing and chain rattling until the customer calls an exorcist, or politely asks for the ghost to leave. Linda Erickson, Kellogg’s head of Public Relations, gave a speech last Monday addressing the issue.
“We are deeply sorry for all the chaos our products have caused over the past 13 weeks,” said Erikson. “We hope our customers will forgive us, but we must say this: We fuckin’ told you so.”
According to Erikson, Kellogg’s has been warning consumers for years that they would suffer if they failed to toast their Pop-Tarts, as product was made to be enjoyed toasted and not eaten “raw.”
“We told people over and over through many different advertising campaigns that Pop-Tarts had to be toasted. Our first mascot was a talking toaster, people. Now those who have failed to follow our instructions will suffer due to the ghosts we have purchased.”
According to a press release issued in 2009, Kellogg’s purchased a thousand gallons worth of ghosts in 2008 from the Walt Disney Company in exchange for an undisclosed amount of Raisin Bran.
“We procured the ghosts in the hopes of promoting our new Rice Krispies Halloween squares, but quickly discovered that ghosts refuse to bond with something so crispy and delicious. So, we did what any company would do: Shoved them into the basement and waited until we thought of a better idea for how to use them.”
The ghosts sat in the basement for nine years until the advertising department rediscovered them while looking for their Corn Flake piñatas and decided to try to make some use of them.
“The advertising agency decided to use the ghosts to solve our most important problem,” said Erickson. “Keeping people from eating Pop-Tarts straight out of the package, instead of toasting them first. The company spent a whole year convincing the ghosts to inhabit the Pop-Tarts, and only haunting those who refused to toast them.”
“I don’t care what they say,” said Joe Herren, local Mountain Dew Drinker World “Champion,” on his way home with 50 boxes of Pop-Tarts. “I don’t have time for, nor do I understand, toasters. I will never give up how I eat these things.”
“We encourage everyone to finally listen to us, lest they be haunted forever,” said Errickson. “Read the instructions before use, it’s right there on the goddamn box.”
Erickson then had to be dragged away from the podium in order to keep her from damaging the wood with her pounding fists.
Joe Herren could not be found for a follow-up interview and has since been presumed dead by local police.