‘Our punch first, ask questions later policy should be working,’ says coordinator
By Klara Woldenga, Humour Editor
Over the past few months, the anti-fascist group known as “Antifa” has been increasing in size and violent activity, yet they are reportedly confused regarding their repeated failed attempts to harbour peace.
“We’ve just kept up the violent activities for months now,” says Washington Antifa head event organizer, Alex Bantik. “We really thought our quest for peace and prosperity would have come together already; we’ve just been pushing and pushing.”
The anti-fascist group, known for its demands to silence alt-right figureheads, have been hard at work running protests, riots, and general punching-Nazis-in-the-face gatherings, all while attempting to keep members of the alt-right from speaking in public spaces. Despite the arguments stating that their tactics actually do more harm than good as they add fuel to the fire and provide fascist groups more fodder for their rhetoric, Antifa has stood firm in their choice of violent acts, stating that “An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind, and if we can’t see, we can’t see hatred and racism.”
Along with their confusion regarding the progress of their goals and activities, Antifa has also been reportedly confused about recent public feedback. Their last Washington event, which consisted of burning American Flags and general yelling, has somehow accumulated negative reviews on Yelp and other review websites.
“One star out of five,” said Yelp reviewer Jake420. “Creating a no-dialogue, violent environment is not the way to progress society. Any type of censorship is fascism. I’m giving them one star because one of the policemen arresting a violent Antfa member was super-hot.”
Despite this backlash and uncertainty, Antifa is going to do what every radical organization does: turn a deaf ear to any reasonable advice and continue on its insane path of violence and unconstructive action.
“We know what we’re doing, and we’re not going to stop,” said Bantik. “Doing the thing that you believe in until the end and ignoring any opposing opinions from any side of the argument is what every great organization has done throughout all of history.”
When the Other Press pointed out that this was, in fact, something that dictators have done in the past, Bantik declared our words hate speech and began to burn a copy of the Other Press newspaper in front of our reporter’s very eyes.