Area woman haunted by the ghosts of unanswered emails

The Other Press investigates a horrifying cautionary tale

By Rebecca Peterson, Humour Editor

A local woman made a stir in local news this week after seeking help in dealing with a terrifying supernatural phenomenon; she claimed to be haunted by the spirits of forgotten emails.

“I see them in my sleep, and with my waking eyes,” the woman stated in a passionate plea to the ghost-fighting community this past weekend. “I can’t open my inbox for fear of attack and judgment from those poor lost souls, which just leads to more unanswered emails… some of them are really important, too. I’m pretty sure I had a job offer last month that I never replied to, and I really need the money. It’s ruining my life.”

This has led to many questions, of course, the first being, “Do ghosts really exist?” And following that, “Can technology produce malevolent spirits?” And finally, “Is this actually a serious problem, or is it just kind of like, you know, whatever?” For answers, the Other Press turned to famed ghost hunter and expert on changing one’s own name legally, Psychedelia Spook.

“Well, first of all, let’s start with the obvious: Ghosts exist,” said Spook. “Like, why would you even ask that? They definitely exist. I could be a ghost right now. You don’t know.

“Next question, then: Can technology produce malevolent spirits? Oh buddy, have you been on Twitter? Like ever? It’s a hotbed of terrifying, nightmare-inducing paranormal activity. It’s awful. I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy, and I have, like, tons of enemies.”

(Spook then paused the interview to sweep the room for assassins).

“Alright, we’re good for now. Anyway, on to the last thing; I mean it is kind of just like, you know, whatever, but it really depends on the manifestation of the supernatural infestation. Most of the time these kinds of hauntings are pretty harmless, but left unchecked, it can definitely turn into something more sinister. More like B-list horror movie worthy. In one case, I had a client plagued by voicemails left to expire on her phone without ever having listened to them. It got pretty nasty.”

When asked if she had any advice for the victim of the email haunting, Spook just shrugged.

“The best way to sap the power out of these things is to go to the source. I hate to say it, but that lady should really just answer her emails. That’s what adults do, right?”

Spook is one of several paranormal investigators looking into the email haunting. For now, however, it’s important to note that such occurrences can happen to anyone, at any time. Experts suggest checking and responding to texts, voicemails, emails, and instant messages in a timely fashion, to avoid preventable hauntings.

The haunted woman has stated a preference to remain relatively anonymous, but uses the initials “R.P.” (and has no relation whatsoever to a Humour Editor with similar initials).