Wah, wah, w—what?
By Isabelle Orr, Entertainment Editor
Dozens of drivers on Lougheed Highway last Sunday were in for a wild ride when Harold and Lynette Kerning, 49 and 47, were caught using a Baby on Board sticker.
The twist? Absolutely no baby on board.
After driving at a respectable speed and distance behind the mid-sized, slightly dented 1990 Toyota Avalon, fellow drivers were shocked and appalled to see no gap-toothed baby in the back seat. In fact, the back seat was completely devoid of any child paraphernalia.
“Absolutely disgusting,” Carolynne Zenith, 32, told press. “I was going two kilometres under the speed limit for over 10 minutes. I deserved to catch a glimpse of an adorable baby. No baby, no cradle—just a cradle of lies!”
The Kernings’ attorney, Geraldine Francis, spoke for them at a later press conference. “The ‘Baby on Board’ sticker really reminds drivers not to ram directly into the car in front of them, killing all drivers on impact. Because, you know, now they know there’s a baby in there.”
However, upon further questioning it was revealed that the Kernings’ case was one of pure negligence.
“The sticker was placed on the car in 1992 when my clients’ child Charlie was born,” said Francis. “And the adhesive backing is simply too sticky to peel off of the car without damaging the paint. Though Charlie is now 26, they have not purchased another car—and yet have two leisure boats and a large dog. But that’s their own issue.”
Many concerned citizens aren’t content with that excuse. In fact, many interviews show the sticker seems to cause more widespread confusion than driver alertness.
“Am I supposed to drive more quietly so the baby can sleep? Am I not supposed to honk my horn? What if there’s a deer on the road? Or worse, a baby?” asked Dwayne Wicks, 57.
“I could barely drive straight because all I could think about was that weird little patch called the ‘soft spot’ that all babies have on their skulls,” Hector Arnolds, 27, said. “It’s hella creepy. I know I would never do it, but I kind of want to shove my thumb into one just to see what would happen. I imagine it would be kind of like a stress ball.”
Others, like Wendy Seville, 41, felt the sticker had malicious intentions. “I take extra offence to the stickers because I, myself, do not have children. These stickers only serve to rub it in my face.”
As the press conferences continued on, reports spread of another case of Baby on Board gone wrong.
Cassie Lundgren, 28, was the citizen who spotted the second offence. “I looked into the back window, hoping, praying, to see a baby, and what’s staring back at me? An 18-month-old, folks. That’s a toddler if I’ve ever seen one. And it was ugly, as well.”