How to most effectively piss off Vancouver’s population of white girls
By Alex Stanton, Staff Writer
If there’s one thing I cannot stand hearing from my fellow men around these parts, it’s the oft-repeated yet groundless notion that Vancouver women are usually bitchy. Honest to God, I’ve been hearing people perpetuate that myth since before my peers and I even reached drinking age. For Vancouver women to hear this, it must be INCREDIBLY disheartening; before you let it bother you though, you should know that the line “Vancouver girls are bitches” is usually said by someone who is clearly unattached to a significant other (unless, of course, their significant other’s name is “Jose Cuervo”). In 2015, there are very few symptoms that indicate a raging case of involuntary celibacy quite like a generally misogynist worldview.
All that being said… You girls are just too easy to chirp. Vancouver, like any wannabe world-class city, has an entirely unique culture. Between the inexplicable attraction to tied up hair, and sharing a city with the main HQ of Lululemon Athletica, there is simply way too much to poke fun at in this city. Nothing personal, ladies, but I’m about the reveal some solid ways for people to tick you off. Sorry in advance!
- Diss Starbucks:
There’s an old, nary spoken of legend that, while not proven to actually work, states that if you say “Pumpkin Spice Latte” into a bathroom mirror three times, a white girl in yoga pants will appear and list of all her favourite things about fall. I’ve never personally tried this ritual; I like my trousers to be positively urine free.
There are as many possibilities for this category as there are Starbucks stores in the City of Vancouver. It’s too easy to poke fun at the absurd price of the countless flashy-but-mediocre seasonal drinks compared to everywhere else. The logo, which looks like a piece of currency used by an alien race of space clowns, is ripe for parody. I find that asking what the hell the creature is on the logo has interesting results.
If, despite your best efforts, the conversation ends up steering towards autumn… Run.
- Bring up how people dress in Vancouver vs. Everywhere else:
Vancouver has been awarded countless times by Canadian and non-Canadian entities of apparent importance, but there’s only one award that Vancouver actually deserved, and that would be the title of “third worst dressed city in the world” by MSN Travel back in 2011.
Now, I’m no Tom Ford, but I think even a fashionably illiterate caveman such as myself can point out numerous things wrong with the way Vancouver dresses, and—surprise, surprise—an overwhelming majority of these tragic outfits are worn by Caucasian females in Vancouver. Yoga pants outside of the yoga studio and hockey jerseys while not at a hockey game are some of the more common crimes you’ll see being committed in broad daylight all over the 604.
- Do business with Lululemon Athletica:
This is only for high rollers such as yours truly; you six-figures-and-under-a-year peasants need not apply. If you’re bored, rich, and thigh-chaffingly sick of sweatpants being an acceptable thing to wear outside, then simply buy out Lululemon and put every bit of clothing that came from that abyss onto a rocket with the controls set for the heart of the sun. It’s that simple, Mr. Property Rich VanMan.
In Vancouver, if life hands you Lululemon… Make Lululemon-ade stands!
- Tell them to fix their eyebrows
This is only included here because saying this to any woman, eleven times out of ten, you’ll probably get strangled by an infinity scarf. “Fix your Eyebrows” is a declaration of war among first world women.