Say bye-bye to bad drivers!

New traffic laws plan to deport the unwanted to Alberta

By Brittney MacDonald, Life & Style Editor

Due to the increase in traffic accidents, the Vancouver mayoral office, in conjunction with the Vancouver Police Department, has decided on a radical new approach to dealing with road safety.

Beginning in December, drivers will be lawfully required to display competency in their ability to manoeuvre their motor vehicle through everything from gentle mists to torrential down pours—or as Vancouverites call them, “just a trickle.”

“For too long Vancouver has suffered due to a small number of its citizens refusing to adapt to our city and its unique quirks,” Sergeant Hall Oates told the Other Press. “Vancouver weather, especially our fall and winter rain, is something that every Vancouver resident should know how to handle, but that’s just not the case as of right now. Our hope is that these new traffic laws will encourage Vancouverites to take pride in their city—as well as force them to learn what in the hell their blinkers are for.”

Under the new laws, anyone caught:

• Driving too fast in the slow lane
• Driving too slow in the fast lane
• Refusing to turn on their lights to increase visibility (we know you can see, it’s not always about you!)
• Driving a large truck with no mud flaps
• Driving any size truck with no tail gate (it’s just tacky)
• Not signaling before changing lanes
• Suffering a panic attack when they hydroplane
• Being a general douche when it’s wet, traffic is backed up, and actual stopping distance is nearly double due to flooded brakes.

—will be subject to fines, and possible deportation.

For our concerned readers, not to worry, you won’t be deported far. A relocation program is in place to send any would-be problem drivers, to Alberta—Canada’s least rainy province!

“We truly believe that this is the best solution for everyone. Alberta has nearly a third of our rainfall, and its open, flat highways will prevent these drivers from hurting themselves on any sharp corners,” Oates stated, displaying great compassion and understanding towards Vancouver’s most neglected degenerate population.

“We know that this will be an adjustment for everyone, and we at the VPD will try to make the transition as easy as possible. Yes, there may be some issues for the deported drivers in finding work, and it is expected that Vancouver will lose two-thirds of its taxi drivers, but sacrifices must be made to provide everyone with a safer, better city.”

This is a satirical piece that has nothing to do with any of the actual named parties.