BREAKING: Protesting a protest now illegal

Protests over protest ruling already in session

By Davie Wong, Sports Editor

It’s been a crazy day for the Canadian Court of Law. In a surprise ruling, the Supreme Court has declared that the protesting of a protest is now deemed illegal, stating that “It is of this court’s understanding that the protesting of a protest is unreasonable and suppresses the right of people that are protesting. In accordance to the right to Freedom of Speech, protesters are allowed to protest peacefully. Therefore, the suppression of these people who would protest the protesters is hereby illegal. Anyone caught protesting a protest will be subjected to a protest from a panel of their peers.”

This ruling has had a mixed reaction from citizens. Protester Grag Walpapor was one of the many who rejoiced upon hearing the ruling, stating: “Finally, I can protest without worrying about someone protesting my protest. Before, it was basically drama class!”

When asked to clarify what he meant, Walpapor protested our reporter’s line of questioning.

While many like Grag are overjoyed with the court rulings, not all are pleased. Arnold Rump, an American-Canadian, stated the whole thing was “stupid. That’s right, it’s stupid. It’s not right! People protesting should be subjected to the opinions of their peers. I mean, protesting is stupid all together. Those protesters should get a job! We need to stop paying attention to those protesters! Canada needs to change its policy on protesting! It should be illegal to protest! That’s the only way to stop them! Hashtag boycott protesting. Hashtag make Canada great again!”

It’s worth noting that the Other Press ran the full transcription of Mr. Rump’s interview, despite his protests against it. Those who share Mr. Rump’s anger on the issue have already begun protesting the ruling by forming a large, unruly crowd in front of the Supreme Court and chanting profanities such as: “Screw the protests” “Hashtag boycott protesting!” and “Supreme Court is flawed! End the fraud!”
Word is reaching us at the Other Press that an underground protesting group has begun arranging a protest against the protest about protesting protests. While this may seem like a strict violation of the Supreme Court’s ruling, an anonymous source within the group has assured us that the protest of a protest protesting protests is not the same as a protest protesting a protest. To ensure their safety, the group has organized protesters to protest the protesting of the protesters protesting protests.
The Other Press reached out to the Supreme Court of Canada, and the Canadian Government for a statement, but has been told that no statement will be issued in protest of the situation.