Furballs and fury
By Katie Czenczek, Staff Writer
It was the biggest blunder Douglas College has seen to date. Worse than the students versus faculty prank war that ended with five hospitalizations and 20 terrible haircuts. Even worse than when classes weren’t cancelled on that slippery, icy night in 2016 when students penguin-slid down the hill into moving traffic. It may have been the worst day in college history in Canada. January 18, 2018 was the day that both cat and dog therapy was accidentally planned on the same day.
Fur was ripped out, skin scratched, and bite marks found all over—the dog and cat lovers were vicious. They turned on one another; as the scene laid out cat lovers took charge of the stairs while dog lovers surrounded the area. Those who were pet-neutral hid in the fishbowl in hopes of not being caught in the crossfire.
In an interview with The Other Press, Alex Dogwood explained the dog lover’s point of view.
“Cat lovers are the enemy. We have had this tradition going on for years with dog therapy day and cat lovers cried ‘This is unfair! We wanna have time with our mangy, hostile beasts!’ Who would ever think that a cat is comforting? They’ll just stare right through you and only want attention when they’re upset. Cat therapy day, what a joke!”
Marianne le Chat, head of the Cat Lover’s Rights group at Douglas College, hissed in an interview with the Other Press that she was outraged at dog lovers’ selfish hold on the day.
“For years we have had to fight to get Cat Therapy Day recognized by the college, and when we finally did, the dog lovers completely ruined it. They’re always barking about how dogs are the best pets in existence. I don’t actually have a problem with dogs at all, it’s literally just the dog lovers who are the worst.”
Dogwood also has some choice words, claiming that there would be anarchy if other pets received therapy days aside from dogs.
“It starts with Cat Therapy day, then we get rodent lovers chiming in about their rights, and then after the rodents, it’ll be the reptile collectives arguing that snakes and salamanders need to a therapy day at the school! I simply won’t stand for it.”
We asked the official Reptiles Collective on their stance in the matter. Venom Smith, head of the collective, responded to the chaos, calling both sides “idiots.”
“The Reptiles Collective doesn’t care about therapy days. I don’t know, maybe it’s because we’re more well-adjusted that we don’t use our favourite pets for comfort. But, hey, that’s just my best guess.”
As the fighting continued, pet-neutral people were forced to pick sides. Suzanne Swiss explained how stressful the situation was.
“Both sides came up to me and forced me to choose. Do I love cats or dogs more? Well, I have both pets at home and that’s like comparing ice cream to pizza! One is a delicious dessert, sweet but cold, and the other is more savory, the cheese melting with just the right amount of crunch. Oh God, I’ve been stuck in the fishbowl for 14 hours, if I don’t out of here soon I’m going to eat the upholstery in the chairs!”
Swiss ended up being rushed to the hospital soon after the interview.
The cats and dogs themselves—interestingly enough—did not seem to care about the showdown at all. Together, and translated from Animus-quadpadis (the language of four-legged beasts), the cats and dogs explained their indifference.
“This fight has been going on far too long. We actually have never fought, and aren’t polar opposites like you two-leggers always assume. We don’t get how that started and just want some peace.”