Beloved advertising characters finally arrested
By Cazzy Lewchuk, Staff Writer
International authorities are literally patting each other on the back today following the announcement of a string of arrests of popular corporate advertising mascots.
“All of us cops were talking about it like, ‘Should we arrest these guys? Everyone loves them, and they’re mostly fictional,’” said lead arresting officer, Tom Copper. “But then we thought: what would Michael Jordan do? Just do it!”
The Kool-Aid Man, 38, was arrested this week for several counts of vandalism, destruction of private and public property, distribution of unsanitary products, and one charge of cannibalism. When asked if he felt any remorse or apologies for the thousands of dollars in damage he caused during his rampage of breaking down walls, his only comment was “OH YEAH!”
Trix Rabbit, 54, was caught soliciting for an unknown illegal substance known only as “Trix” in the red-light district on Friday. Rabbit remained silent, although his attorney Lionel Hutz expressed distaste for his client’s actions, commenting “Silly Rabbit… tricks are something a prostitute does for money!” Rabbit is currently out on bail and awaiting trial, on the condition he not gather anyplace where known dealers, prostitutes, minors, or others who may indulge in “Trix” are present.
An unknown little person known only as “Lucky” was involved in a dispute between him and five Coquitlam residents on March 17. Lucky complained the residents were after his “charms” and “magic marshmallows,” which, upon inspection, contained significant amounts of angel dust. Lucky was charged with two counts each of trafficking and resisting arrest, and faces deportation back to Ireland.
An unidentified man known informally to police as the “Hamburglar” was caught breaking into a local fast food restaurant and stealing hamburger buns and patties. Although details are still coming in at press time, the man’s wardrobe and heavy makeup indicated he may be part of a much greater crime ring. The Hamburglar’s known associates include former clown Ronald McDonald.
Actor and known narcotics dealer Toucan Sam, 50, was once again arrested for trafficking a series of wheat loops flavoured with fruit and LSD. Despite his current incarceration, Sam released a press statement encouraging others to pursue a life of achieving their dreams and snorting drugs, saying “Follow your nose! It always knows.”
Local rabbit Ernie Gizer was arrested by security after interrupting a stadium football game on Sunday. During halftime, the rabbit reportedly walked onto the field wearing sunglasses and banging a drum repeatedly. He is reportedly seeking treatment in a rehab clinic against the substances that have kept him “going, and going, and going…” causing his reckless behaviour.
Florence “Flo” Courtney, 27, was arrested for an ongoing scheme that allegedly involved seducing married men and then ripping them off for thousands of dollars under the pretence of selling them “progressive insurance.” Courtney was caught after police received a tip by an insurance salesman identifying himself as “Geico Gecko.”