Chocolate fondue recipe
By Mercedes Deutscher, Social Media Coordinator
1/2 box of strawberries
1 sleeve of wafers
5 Jersey Milk or Dairy Milk bars
Dress up nice and shower for the first time in a few days; you’ve got a date coming over.
Tidy the house slightly by hiding your dirty dishes in the shower. Put out your unopened Radiohead vinyl so that your date might think you’re cool.
Queue a romantic comedy on Netflix so you don’t have to go through your “Recently Watched” later and have your date discover that all you watch is animated adult comedy.
Light some candles and brush your hair in the last few minutes before your date is scheduled to arrive.
Sit patiently and watch as time cruelly dwindles away via melting candles.
Get anxious and text your date, asking if they are simply running late. Wait 20 more minutes before getting the reply: “Hey, I’m really sorry, but something came up! I hope you have a good night!”
Light up your fondue pot and toss a chocolate bar inside. Poke at it for a while, only to be disappointed that it’s breaking down into greasy chunks rather than warm, melty chocolate.
Turn fondue off and leave a chocolate mess in the fondue pot.
Take off nice clothes and try to take another shower to feel better. Pull back the shower curtain. Remind yourself that you need to do the dishes.
Put your depression clothes back on.
Take remaining chocolate, fruit, and wafers into the living room and immediately rate your chosen romantic comedy a “thumbs down.”
Put on episode of Bob’s Burgers, but tune it out since you’ve seen it so many times.
Shove wafers into your mouth and feel the crumbs cascade into your lap as quickly as your heart sank when your date cancelled on you on Valentine’s Day. Wash it down with remaining chocolate bars, half a banana, and one strawberry.
Swipe meaninglessly through Tinder and wonder whether anyone will ever love you again.
Think about how you gave your all in your last relationship—or at least how you think you did.
Determine that you just weren’t attractive enough. Or maybe you didn’t excite them enough, since you didn’t even have sex for the last three months of the relationship. Or maybe you just expected a partner to fill the emptiness in yourself.
Cry for a bit and delete your dating site accounts. You’ll be back in a few days. You always are.