Families Against Professional Studentism
By Brittney MacDonald, Staff Writer
The Families Against Professional Studentism (FAPS) organization would like to give this public service announcement to all people whose friends or family members might be suffering from Professional Studentism. Professional Studentism is a dangerous new addiction affecting young people today. Thousands of college and university students are falling into a dangerous spiral of designer coffee and oversized cardigans.
Symptoms of Professional Studentism include:
- A sudden love for knitwear
- A growing interest in indie or otherwise terrible music that no one else likes
- The ability to bullshit an entire 10-page research paper in four hours
- Sudden and unexplainable expertise in using Sparknotes
- Seasonal alcoholism directly related to the last day of exams
- A Starbucks Rewards membership
- A wardrobe exclusively limited to grey and black hues, so as to avoid early morning dressing complications
- A diet reduced to coffee and vending machine snacks
- The ability to read and comprehend a 400-page literary novel in a single weekend
- Surprisingly effective logical reasoning despite a schedule allowing for limited REM sleep
- Sudden onset of nocturnal behaviour
- Developing affection for kale, couscous, and/or lentils
- A growing collection of sunglasses, to block out any disruptive light sources
- Interest in communing with other sufferers to engage in long-winded discussions about social issues allegorically represented in the Simpsons
- Heartfelt professions of love and admiration for beds and/or other flat, bed-like surfaces
- Sporadic hysteria that often accumulates during mid-semester
- Cycles of spiritual awakening and disillusionment often accompanied by cries such as “Oh God—just let me pass!”
- Reduced interaction with friends and family
Friends and family members who suspect that their loved ones might be suffering from Professional Studentism are urged not to confront sufferers directly. Failure to avoid confrontation may result in the suspected sufferer growing agitated, and lashing out with projectile sushi and Jägermeister.
Long-term sufferers risk incurring crippling debt through student loans, carpal tunnel syndrome, and an incurable sense of entitlement.
If you or someone you love is suffering from Professional Studentism, FAPS wants you to know there is hope. Regimented treatments involving demeaning retail work, and forced social interaction have proven over 80 per cent effective. The cold-turkey method of graduation has also been successful, though some sufferers are prone to relapse, returning to their addiction in an attempt to earn their master’s or doctorate degrees.
Professional Studentism is a serious matter, but we here at the Other Press, in connection with FAPS, encourage all students to be on the lookout, and report any suspected sufferers to Wayward Adults Needing Guidance (WANG).