By Madame Mystique
Even if you already have a job, be on the lookout for places hiring for the summer. You need to work through the sunny months so you can pay next fall’s tuition. Welcome to life. You work ‘til you die.
Now that the semester’s almost over, perhaps you can get started on a summer project. Go outside, watch the seagulls, and write down their every move in a diary. Then work on getting the diary published.
Don’t let what anyone says get you down. You have the power to write a one-word story. Your creative energies are through the roof today.
I heard that the Canadian government is looking for anyone gullible enough to test this new experimental steroid. Perhaps you can fulfill your childhood dreams of becoming a superhero and fighting alongside Superman, saving the world from Godzilla and a shark that can turn into a boat.
Infomercials are one of life’s greatest joys. For example, you can now buy a headband that reads your mind and sends your thoughts to your Twitter or Facebook for only $14.99. Warning: product may be a terrible idea.
If you work hard, you’ll get more money. You’ll get more money if you work hard. Therefore, if you work harder, you’ll get more money. Life goes around in circles for the busy.
You and your friends are planning a summer road trip. Can I recommend Las Vegas? I heard no long-tern consequences can happen there, so drink like you just realized the meaning of the term YOLO.
Working overtime is incredibly stressful and can lead to finger cancer, so if your boss asks to work overtime, flip them the bird.
You must be extremely busy. After all, it’s the end of term. Here, write this horoscope for me. I’m going to chase squirrels around because I have nothing better to do.
If someone breaks into your home, don’t be scared. Instead, treat this as an opportunity to practice ways to rip a person’s heart out and show it to him or her before they die.
If you’re feeling lonely, take a trip to the pet store and buy yourself a dozen cats. Fact: animals keep better company than humans.
Have you always wanted to buy a pool, but you didn’t have enough cash? Then simply burn down your house, collect the insurance money, and you’ll have enough to purchase a pool!
With files from Livia Turnbull