Fauxroscopes

By Livia Turnbull, Humour Editor Capricorn (12/22-1/19) A rafflesia plant can fill your home with the smells characteristic of a serial killer. The neighbours might be concerned and call the…

By Cazzy Saturn Lewchuk, Ascending in Omicron Persei 8 Capricorn (12/22-1/19) A black cat will follow you around all day before eventually crossing your path. Chasing it away, you’ll walk…

By Dr. Cazzy Lewchuk, B.S. Capricorn (12/22-1/19) Today you will die under mysterious circumstances. Your body, covered in boils and unidentifiable bite marks, will be fished out of the Fraser…

By Cazzy Lewchuk, Master Liar Capricorn (12/22-1/19) Things may get your goat today. A stray goat that wandered into the building will headbutt you while being chased by security. Take…

By Livia Turnbull, Humour Editor Capricorn (12/22-1/19) You have to take responsibility for your dreams. You’d better apologize to the neighbours about your sleepwalking two months ago that caused you…

By Madame Mystique Capricorn (December 22-January 19) To spice up your sex life, try shoving a pickle jar up your partner’s rectum. It’ll feel much better than a vibrator.  Aquarius…

By Madame Mystique Capricorn (12/22-1/19) On your Geography final, be sure to avoid answering anything to do with Manitoba. Also, write that you do not care for Australia, even if…

By Madame Mystique Capricorn (12/22-1/19) Even if you already have a job, be on the lookout for places hiring for the summer. You need to work through the sunny months…

By Madame Mystique Capricorn (12/22-1/19) I know midterms can be stressful, but they’re nothing compared to midterm nightmares. You dream that today’s the day of the big exam, but your…

Capricorn (12/22-1/19) Despite what the Mayan-predicted doomsday that was supposed to hit last month, a new year has arrived. I’m just glad that there was no major destruction, save for…