By Madame Mystique
Capricorn
(12/22-1/19)
On your Geography final, be sure to avoid answering anything to do with Manitoba. Also, write that you do not care for Australia, even if the exam has nothing to do with Australia.
Aquarius
(1/20-2/18)
Your Chemistry final will go really well if you mix fire and hydrogen. But try to watch as much Breaking Bad as you possibly can beforehand.
Pisces
(2/19-3/20)
Your Women Studies teacher will really appreciate it if you answer all questions with “This isn’t relevant for men.”
Aries
(3/21-4/19)
On your Biology exam, be sure to draw little cartoons of dancing rat hearts along with singing sheep’s eyes. Pretend that they’re in Las Vegas with Penn and Teller.
Taurus
(4/20-5/20)
If asked anything about Genghis Khan on your History exam, simply write “YOLO.” If asked about Henry VIII, write “YOLO.” If Pierre Trudeau gets mentioned, write “YOLO” 10 times.
Gemini
(5/21-6/21)
Psychology exams always get marked higher if you mention that you were raised in a skinner box. Bonus points if you mention that you had a lobotomy when you were five-years-old.
Cancer
(6/22-7/22)
Your Math teacher will be impressed if you write down all the digits of pi.
Leo
(7/23-8/22)
On your Philosophy exam, draw a ninja and write “I created this ninja out of ink from my own pen. Therefore, he must be my son. My son wants me to have a perfect score on this exam.”
Virgo
(8/23-9/22)
Mention on your Canadian History exam that the first prime minster of Canada was a Molson Canadian beer bottle. The second prime minster of Canada was a bucket of maple syrup.
Libra
(9/23-10/22)
On your Geology exam, be sure to memorize the three types of rocks: hard rock, soft rock, and surfer rock.
Scorpio
(10/23-11/21)
On your Music History exam, write down that Puccini is a type of mushroom. Try and write down the lyrics to every Gregorian chant.
Sagittarius
(11/22-12/21)
Remember, if all else fails on your English exam, you can always write about King Lear being haunted by three witches and telling the tale of star-crossed lovers whose fathers carry the chains of burden in the afterlife.
With files from Livia Turnbull
