Capricorn
(12/22-1/19)
Despite what the Mayan-predicted doomsday that was supposed to hit last month, a new year has arrived. I’m just glad that there was no major destruction, save for that huge boulder dropped in Times Square. I had absolutely nothing to do with that.
Aquarius
(1/20-2/18)
You’ll begin to notice something is different about your family members. They seem less talkative and have been acting really artificial lately. Wait a minute… they’ve all been replaced by mannequins! I guess they shouldn’t have gone to those Boxing Day sales.
Pisces
(2/19-3/20)
You’re a lone warrior. Yes, it isn’t easy going day by day slicing the heads off of innocent villagers, but it’s better than going outside. Besides, you can’t kill people in real life. Believe me, there’s a lesson to learn from doing that.
Aries
(3/21-4/19)
YOU LOVE CHEESE YOU LOVE CHEESE YOU LOVE CHEESE YOU LOVE CHEESE YOU LOVE CHEESE. Also, you’ll find that the creative process can be a real bitch sometimes.
Taurus
(4/20-5/20)
You’ve noticed that you don’t seem to be aging like everyone else. Maybe you should try to be the next Dick Clark or Edward Cullen—because being stuck as a teenager for an eternity is a gift.
Gemini
(5/21-6/21)
There have been a lot of changes in your life over the past year. For example, you finally realized that beer bongs aren’t good hangover cures. Also, you learned what it means for someone to be a true friend, but only after they final gave in and drove you home.
Cancer
(6/22-7/22)
I have some upsetting news: you’ve been hallucinating this newspaper the entire time. You’ve actually been reading a cereal box instead.
Leo
(7/23-8/22)
You’re in one of those rare moods where you seem to be able to listen to everybody’s problems today. However, nobody really has anything to complain about.
Virgo
(8/23-9/22)
If at first you don’t succeed, try, try, again. This motto will prove useful in your quest to learn how to fly.
Libra
(9/23-10/22)
You’ve built up quite a character for this semester. It must’ve come from shoveling your elderly neighbour’s driveway for all of winter break. It’s too bad that your character isn’t good at school work.
Scorpio
(10/23-11/21)
Now would be a good time to set new personal goals. For example, you can try to build the seven wonders of the world out of toothpaste.
Sagittarius
(11/22-12/21)
Start your day unusually today. Try to put your shoes on before your pants. I’m sure that’ll be a fun challenge.
With files from Livia Turnbull