FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE: Are you happy? Do you know it?

Organization calls for radical new unification gesture to commemorate bedtime

By Sharon Miki, Humour Editor

VANCOUVER, BC (February 25, 2014) — In the wake of confusion about the emotional states of others, a small group of parents, teachers, and concerned individuals calling themselves the “Grown Ups” have banded together to create a new method of self-identifying as “happy”; the movement calls for all willing participants to band together and make the call of self-actualization upon returning to bed at nighty-night time.

“Are you happy? Do you know it? Well, we want to know it too. So clap your goddamn hands,” said Grown Ups co-founder and president Dah D. Oh. “It’s a simple, standardized way for anyone in our group to know what’s going on with you. And we’re hoping that it will catch on—fast—because we’re not mind readers here.”

Indeed, the Grown Ups movement couldn’t be more basic: just self-assess your mood and, if it is positive, bring the palms of your hands together in a rapid movement. Repeat this twice—it should create a strong, clear “clapping” sound. If you accompany the clapping with the words “I really want to show it,” that should indicate to those around you how to proceed. Likewise, if you’re really unhappy and do not want to show it, simply refrain from any hand-slapping to indicate displeasure.

“People say that it harder and harder for us to express our feelings in this post-modern era of individualism and social media proliferation,” said Oh’s three-year-old daughter, Sophie Muffet. “But, as you can see by my bedtime ritual, it’s really just a matter of proper audio-visual attention from Grown Ups to children.”

Oh stressed that the clapping gesture in itself is not new: “We first noticed the idea of ‘clapping’ with the light-switch activation device, The Clapper, in the mid 1980s. We’re simply gentrifying the gesture and repurposing it into something actually useful.”

Proponents of the movement rave about the simplicity of the gesture for people of all ages. “The way I see it, if you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands [clap, clap],” explained supporter Ma Mee.

“For a long time, trying to guess what my wife, Jill, was feeling was a real uphill battle,” said Grown Ups supporter, Jack. “I felt like I was always falling down, [practically] breaking my crown to empathize with her… but now—now I don’t have to guess. It’s a real miracle.”

Oh suggests that anyone interested in joining the movement simply master the trademark gesture; however, those struggling can rest assured: “If you’re happy—and you know it—then your face will surely show it… but yeah, still clap your hands.”

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