‘You are all insane,’ says Marx
By Klara Woldenga, Entertainment Editor
With the help of two motivated millennials, the soul of famous philosopher and social figure Karl Marx rose from the dead last week.
“We felt that this terrible capitalistic world needed a new spokesperson,” said Eric Chapman, one of the two responsible for Karl Marx’s return. “Someone who just really gets it, you know?”
According to Chapman, him and his partner, Janice Franklin, spent over 30 days attempting to resurrect the famous social figure by praying to their communist shrine filled with bus schedules, library cards, medical cards, and several garden spades. When not praying at their shrine, the two also prayed to Jesus, stating that “Jesus must know him. I assume they party in heaven.”
According to Franklin, they were about to give up until Chapman was struck by an idea that would prove successful.
“We both just decided to throw in five bucks,” said Chapman. “You know, communism. Sharing and stuff.”
According to both Chapman and Franklin, Karl Marx’s ghost appeared shortly after, but the encounter did not go as expected.
“I was so surprised!” said Chapman. “He was really here—just like the witch told me he would be—but once I got a good look at him, I realized he was just some old white guy.”
According to the two witnesses, Karl Marx immediately began questioning their motivations in summoning him and whether they had enough knowledge to begin a revolution.
“It was really rude,” said Franklin. “I mean, you don’t just go around questioning people, you know?”
Even though both suddenly felt intruded upon, they tried to reason with the ghost, explaining why they had brought him back in the first place.
“I told him it was because we needed someone to help us tear down the system,” said Chapman. “He asked me how the system works now, and I told him to shove off and stop embarrassing me in front of my girlfriend.”
Both witnesses stated that Karl Marx then became very agitated and began verbally lashing out, yelling out things like “How do you expect to implement change if you don’t understand it?” and “Did you even read my work?” This startled Chapman and Franklin, making them feel unsafe in their home and causing them to lose faith in their role model.
“He was being super rude,” said Chapman. “He had the audacity to ask me if I had even read his work or any economics literature. Like, I’ve leafed through it, you know? Get off my back.”
As Karl Marx kept on ranting and pacing, Chapman and Franklin began to feel they could no longer tolerate this ghost in their home.
“I just started thinking, like, ‘Who even is this guy?’” said Franklin. “He’s obviously just some privileged man with a beard. Why were we even listening to him?”
It was then that Chapman told Karl Marx that his economic views meant nothing because he was “just a rich old white guy” and that he should “check his privilege” before speaking.
According to both witnesses, Karl Marx suddenly stopped in his tracks and said, “I have checked it, and it looks like I won’t be using any of my privilege to help you,” before disappearing, leaving both Chapman and Franklin shaken but relieved.
“I was so happy he was gone,” said Chapman. “He challenged my views. I don’t need that.”
“All I know is that we don’t need more educated white guys telling us what to do,” said Franklin. “Especially privileged ones that take the time to try and help the world instead of riding out their existence, like most of us do.”