Changing of seasons spurs Douglas student’s quarter-life crisis
By Sharon Miki, Humour Editor
Ah, fall. The dry humidity turns to damp humidity, the leaves turn from green to dusky yellow and burnt tangerine, and students turn from summertime sadness to seasonal affective disorders. Such is the case for second-year Douglas College student, Aubree Norres, who recently came to a life-altering realization while sitting in the New Westminster campus’ library:
“I was looking out the window, and it was raining,” explains Norres, 20. “Suddenly, I realized that that meant that it’s basically fall now—summer is over. That means that it’s pretty much Halloween, and once you get to Halloween you’re essentially at Christmas. Christmas is the same as New Year’s—next thing you know, it’s 2015! That means that it’s pretty much time for summer, and since it’s really summer 2015, I’m virtually 25. And 25 is the new 30, which nowadays is in essence the same as 40, which is middle-aged, and middle aged is almost elderly.
“So, looking out at the rain, I realized that I’m only a few steps away from dying of old age.”
While some experts might say that Norres is indeed still only 20 and not, as she suggests, “already a rotting post-octogenarian living corpse,” Norres is firm in her beliefs.
“I’m trying not to get too bogged down in it; instead, I’m taking care of things, pre-registering for senior citizens’ discounts, etcetera,” says Norres. “Because I’m basically almost too late for those!”
At press time, Norres was decades early in registering for her retirement—but two weeks behind in her college homework assignments.