By Sharon Miki, Humour Editor
Cat parents, beware: the social order is under repair. A new group of cat activists have made it their mission to raise awareness about the impact that having a stupid name can have on a feline.
“For millennia, cats have had to suffer the indignity of ridiculous, demeaning names at the hands of their human owners,” said F.T. McGee, a three-year-old domesticated Scottish Fold cat and leader of the newly banded support group, Cats Against Totally Stupid Names (CATSN). “How do you think it makes me feel to be called ‘Fatty McGee’ every day of my life?”
Indeed, advocates of CATSN point to the long-term social and emotional repercussions to a kitty’s psyche when they are forced to answer to names like Butthead, Stinky, Lil’ Dick, Fartface, Chubbs, or Justin Bieber.
“When you get called President Furball every day of your life, it’s hard to take yourself seriously. I can’t tell you how much I’ve spent on cat counselling just to get over that,” said President Furball, a furry little grey kitten.
It’s not just the insulting names that CATSN takes issue with, either.
“Even if you give us loving names with good intentions, they can still cause warped body image and self-esteem issues,” said McGee.
“I know that my parents thought it was nice to name me ‘Princess,’ but now I feel like I really have to live up to the name and be this delicate, prissy kind of cat,” added Princess, a seven-year-old Persian fluffball. “I mean, I just want to hunt mice and play with the boys, but my name fundamentally precludes me from that kind of behaviour. Also, meow.”
With this in mind, what can conscientious humans do to fix the problem going forward?
“We know that our human parents have mostly good intentions, and probably thought they were giving us cute, conversation-starting names, but pet owners should be aware of how their frivolous actions effect our emotional well-being,” purred McGee. “Try giving us names that you would be proud to have as your own, like Rupert or Ke$ha, instead, and see how we emotionally flourish.”
CATSN meets every week in the forest behind the Coquitlam campus of Douglas College. It’s pretty adorable, but please don’t comment on the physical cuteness if you happen to stumble upon a grotto of fluffy kitties cuddling in the forest—cats are (basically) people too, and they deserve some modicum of dignity.