Hopeful student has career dreams crushed on first day of class

Bystanders called it ‘a fatality’

By Isabelle Orr, Entertainment Editor

Calvin Meyers, 19, may never recover from his life-altering first day of college.

“I’ve never seen anything like it,” Natalie Woods, Meyers’ classmate at Douglas College, told Other Press reporters. “It was devastating. Truly devastating.”

Meyers walked into his first university class with high hopes.

“I wanted to be a philosopher. I wanted to study the greats,” Meyers told reporters with hollow eyes and a voice that spoke from beyond the grave. “I thought this was my first step in achieving moral greatness.”

Meyers, who attended Douglas right after high school, expected that he would walk directly into a job related to philosophy—whatever that may be—after his post-secondary schooling.

“I don’t know what a degree in philosophy would help me achieve, but I assumed it would be something related to wearing a toga or a suit while sitting around in a circle of white men and discussing issues of the world,” Meyers said. “Imagine my surprise when my professor told me that the job didn’t exist!”

Graham Gill, a philosophy professor at Douglas, has been working at the campus for over 20 years.

“I intend to die here,” Gill said in an interview with the Other Press. “I mean, what else am I supposed to do? I have a PhD in philosophy, for Christ’s sakes.”

Gill was hired in 1997, back when philosophy was still considered a thing.

“Obviously students should be studying things like Environmental Science, or Gender and Sexuality. You know, things that really matter in the present day,” Gill said. “Hey, did you know Socrates was a total creep?”

Meyers said his entire world was “blown open” by the fact that he wasn’t guaranteed a job directly after receiving his diploma.

“My parents, who directly funded my education, assured me this would be the case,” Meyers said through tears. “Why can’t things just keep falling into place for me?”

“It’s not entirely the student’s fault,” Gill said. “Society places a lot of importance on post-secondary schooling, especially college and university. Many entry-level jobs ask for a bachelor’s degree just to apply. Because of this, almost all degrees are rendered useless. Of course, none are as useless as a degree in philosophy.”

“Philosophy is so important,” Meyers said in a tone that bystanders later described as “the whine of a spoiled toddler.” “How is society still not absolutely invested in the musings of old white men from over 100 years ago? It’s not fair that everything isn’t handed to me just because I want it to be!”

Though he faced a minor setback, Meyers assured reporters that his journey in post-secondary schooling was far from over.

“For my minor, I’m pursuing something important and worthwhile—English literature.”