A guide for those less financially fortunate
By Chandler Walter, Assistant Editor
Are you struggling to make rent? Eating nothing but ramen noodles or leftover rice because you can’t afford the luxuries of pasta sauce or fresh, made-that-day rice? Are you fed up with having to steal your neighbour’s shitty WiFi to watch constantly-loading, illegally-streamed shows? Well then, you are in luck, ladies and gentlemen, because I am about to lay a truth brick on the foundation of your incredibly successful futures!
Hi, my name is Chandler Walter, and I am a financial success story if there ever was one. I am here to tell YOU about the secrets to living a mediocrely comfortable life, all the while having enough money put away to maybe afford a cavity filling, or even an in-province vacation!
I started out from very humble beginnings in Port Coquitlam, where I quickly built up my financial portfolio by investing! I invested my time in delivering pizza at a local pizza shop, and I managed to accumulate a whopping $2,500 over the course of only a few months! Now, now, I know that sounds crazy, but the only thing between you and becoming a thousandaire like myself is your own choices, people, and I have a few tips up my sleeves to help you on your way to owning that 1995 Toyota Corolla, or going on that dream two-day vacation!
Tip #1: Act Like You’re Already Rich
The best way to become a thousandaire is to act like one! It’s all about getting into the right frame of mind to become who you want to be. So, the next time your friends want to splurge on that $5 Hot N Ready pizza, or drop a crisp $20 bill by going out to see a movie, don’t turn down the offer! Even if you don’t have the money to spend, the actual monetary price is nothing compared to what you will gain in experience living the somewhat well-off lifestyle.
Tip #2: You Don’t Need Real Money
Welcome to the world of credit cards, everybody. With these handy dandy little squares of plastic, anything and everything is right there at your fingertips! Most banks will approve you for a credit card if you are over 18, and after you get one, you’re good to go! Simply use the card to pay for anything you might want, and forget all about it. It takes no money out of your pocket, and once they cancel it for “overdue fees” (whatever those are), you can just get another one from a different bank, and repeat!
Tip #3: Monotony is Key
For those of you who would prefer to spend actual, physical money, there’s no better way to trick the system and become a thousandaire than by working a hard, honest job, for many, many hours of your life. All you need to do is go to post-secondary, take classes, pay for textbooks, do well, stay up late at night to finish everything, stress out, lose your hair, cry, stop eating, procrastinate, cry, decide to drop out, wimp out of dropping out, half-ass your assignments, somehow graduate, write a résumé, get references, buy a suit, apply at dozens of jobs, wait anxiously, attend interviews, fail at interviews, somehow trick an employer into paying you to pretend you know what you’re doing, struggle, cry, eventually get better, and then work for most of your waking life.
If you follow these simple steps, you’re on your merry way to existing as a self-sustaining person, for at least as long as your will-power can hold out!