Where destruction and bad hairstyles meet
By Katie Czenczek, Staff Writer
As tensions between North Korea and the United States grow over the race to total world annihilation, it almost becomes a matter of whose long-range missiles can last the longest before climaxing over some pretty little city. The totalitarian dictator with the best smile and more experience has recently revealed that he intends to target Guam; currently an American territory.
In response to this, Trump promised that he would fight back with “fire and fury,” though it’s still unclear whether he intends to send Kim Jong-Un a plateful of the world’s spiciest foods in a sneaky ploy to keep him on a toilet while Trump decides on the real plan. The only problem with this tactic is that it would go against the US’s approval of the United Nation’s call to impose sanctions on North Korea, and we all know Trump isn’t one to contradict himself. For Canadians, this issue is particularly terrifying as, yet again, we are caught between the United States and their nemesis. First the USSR, and now North Korea; it’s almost as if history somehow keeps repeating itself. For those looking to survive the impending nuclear attack, here are some tips that can keep you, and your loved ones, safe:
- Become a hermit. If I’ve learned anything from watching post-apocalyptic television shows and movies, it’s that death and destruction are synonymous with big cities—so your best bet is to avoid them completely. What’s also great about this option is that you can escape Vancouver’s housing crisis at the same time.
- Convince Kim Jong-Un and Donald Trump that they are passionately in love. You know what they say: “With hate comes love.” Only problem with this one is that a bad breakup could bring upon consequences far more dire than a nasty Twitter fight.
- Move to Antarctica. This lines up with the whole “Become a hermit” tip, but keeps you safer, as you’ll be further away from the nuclear fallout. Not to repeat myself, but what’s also great about this option is that you can escape Vancouver’s housing crisis!
- Destroy the blueprints for all nuclear weapons. This concept was explored in Wonder Woman; however, Doctor Poison was ultimately still able to create her lethal poisons. This tip might not work out the way you hope it will.
- Move to Mars. The last, and most effective way to protect yourself from getting nuked is to pull a Matt Damon and become a Martian. What’s also great about this option, again, is that you can escape Vancouver’s housing crisis. The best two-for-one deal in the Cosmos.
In all seriousness, the best way to keep safe during a nuclear strike is to run far away and never come back. But fear not, folks, Trump knows that the real danger to Americans is one that has already infiltrated the States: Illegal immigrant children.