Misguided heiress feels slighted at inability to purchase English Bay
By Sharon Miki, Humour Editor
In today’s spoiled rich kid news, Amelia Cyrus, 19, is totally throwing a public tantrum because her dad won’t buy her English Bay. The teenager—currently unemployed—has been on a mission since late last week to acquire the body of water as a result of her intense wealth-induced loneliness, combined with her profound misunderstanding of spelling and rational thinking. Indeed, Cyrus seems to have misunderstood the popular slang-based term of endearment, “bae” (slang for babe, baby, or, in some cases, “before anyone else”), and will not stop until she acquires a bay of her own.
“I’m on Instagram and such, petcetera [sic], and I’m always saw [sic] girls post about hanging out with there [sic] bay [sic], and I’m like, y [sic] can’t I have a bay [sic]? If these inaffluent [sic] girls get their own bays [sic], why can’t I? So DADDY should bye [sic] me won [sic]!” said Cyrus, in a self-written press release.
Cyrus has used her considerable financial resources to create a multi-modal marketing campaign estimated in the millions to support her newfound cause, “Give Amelia a Bay!” Marketing efforts include television commercials and YouTube video introduction ads.
“If I can’t half [sic] my bay [sic], you can weight [sic] to watch your Bieber,” said Cyrus.
Cyrus is the heiress to her father’s Velcro-related billion-dollar-plus fortune, and as such is not used to being told no when it comes to anything.
“No won [sic] ever tells me I can’t have anything,” explained Cyrus.
Unfortunately for Cyrus, this lack of discipline throughout her life has spread to her education. Despite hitting the genetic lottery and being afforded every educational advantage, Cyrus can’t be bothered to learn pretty much anything.
“Just give me a bay [sic] and I’ll be all write [sic],” said Cyrus.
Sympathizers have already started a Kickstarter campaign to help Cyrus buy the bay on her own.
“Won’t someone help this poor, poor rich girl?” said Shannon Yoshida, the leader of the “Let’s Just Buy Amelia a Bay” campaign.