Independent woman briefly considers settling down, but then gets the jar open by herself

‘It was a close one,’ stated local millennial Kate Jackson

By Klara Woldenga, Humour Editor

Kate Jackson, 28, works full-time as an administrative assistant at a software company located in downtown Vancouver. Like many women in Vancouver, Jackson is often faced with tough decisions about her future: Will she eventually settle down with a single partner? Will she have children? For Jackson, one of these contemplative moments came when she arrived home one day after her daily, sticky, two-and-a-half-hour transit commute which she is “totally fine with,” she told the Other Press.

“I just wanted to do the same thing I always do to unwind when I get home from work: Shame-eat an entire jar of dill pickles while re-watching The Wire and screaming ‘THIS IS WHAT LIFE IS’ at the screen with my mouth full.”
But, unfortunately, Jackson hit an unexpected roadblock when she opened the fridge and took out her favourite shame-based food.

“I couldn’t get the jar open. No matter how hard I twisted, I just couldn’t get the lid off. It was my fault, really. I accidentally bought a new type of my favourite pickle brand that boasts fewer calories in every serving. I realize now it probably says that because it takes so much energy to get the lid off. It’s a mistake I could totally see myself making due to sleep deprivation, because the only time I can go grocery shopping is at one in the morning, during the three-hour gap between my two telecommute night jobs.”

Despite her weakened state, Jackson refused to give up.

“I ran the jar under hot water, but it didn’t work. None of my eight roommates living in our four-bedroom apartment were home, so they couldn’t help. I was out of options. How was I going to spit out my general, vague frustration towards capitalism now?”

But Jackson knew she had one option left.

“I realized that maybe this was a sign to finally settle down with a man who could help with my jar-opening needs. I don’t own a pair of man hands myself, and stealing or buying human parts is illegal in this country, so it really seemed like a long-term, supportive relationship was my last and only option.”

Kate opened her Tinder app in the hopes of finding her dream, jar-opening man, but was quickly disappointed.
“I kept looking for men who bragged about their jar abilities. I found a few, but all the pictures they had in their profiles were of them holding dogs, cats, or fish. You don’t have to twist those open, who are they trying to fool?”

Finally, after ten, long minutes of searching Jackson found her answer.

“I got bored and started watching random YouTube videos,” stated Jackson. “Luckily one of them was a video about opening stuck jars by tapping the lid with a spoon. I tried it, and success! It opened!”

Kate has urged other women to be like her and not give up hope.

“A 50-cent utensil is way easier than a commitment that could last a lifetime,” stated Kate.

Spoons can be found at any local kitchen outlet at varying prices.