Intense, euphoric moment quickly buried in paperwork

Still from 'The Stanley Parable' via theverge.com

Still from ‘The Stanley Parable’ via theverge.com

‘I was the universe, then I was behind schedule’

By Klara Woldenga, Humour Editor

According to reports, Frank Evary, an administrative assistant for the Vancouver paperclip company Keep It Together, briefly became aware that he actually was the universe experiencing itself, before being becoming convinced to return to his paperwork.

“I just looked up from my hourly paperclip reports, and then suddenly remembered I was everything,” Evary told the Other Press. “I discovered that I was part of an ever-expanding moment of being—I could be anything! I realized that the menial tasks I was doing didn’t really matter.”

Evary stated he wasn’t exactly sure what caused this moment of realization, but that it could have been credited to him putting up a “Live Love Laugh” poster in his cubical a few hours before. “It’s just a really good poster, it really makes you think,” he said.

According to witnesses, Evary shouted “EUREKA,” ran over to a group of his fellow coworkers, and began talking very quickly.

“He told us that we were all made of star dust, and part of a greater universal consciousness,” stated Mary Alboney, the company’s secretary. “I wanted to believe him but, since I’m new, I still haven’t gone through this company’s cult orientation, so I wasn’t really feeling what he said.”

Despite the obvious awkward vibes, Evary kept talking about disturbing things like the idea that we choose our own narratives, and that we all have to love and forgive one another in order to truly live in the moment.

“I was super weirded out,” said Dave Jackson, the company’s paperclip counter. “I am nearly 40 years old and trying to live a deeply mundane life. I don’t need someone giving me different options for how I can view myself, or the world around me.”

Jack Gillian, the company’s CEO, was quick to notice the disturbance, and came to the rescue by offering to take Evary out for a cup of coffee.

“I’ve seen this happen before,” stated Gillian. “I knew what I had to do to re-center him. I just sat him down, filled him with caffeine, and showed him the targets we needed to hit for next month. I also got him to look at all the e-bills he had on his phone.”

As Gillian predicted, his strategy was successful in calming Evary down.

“I was suddenly reminded that it was more than the present moment that mattered, and that I was obligated to those around me due to social pressures and guilt,” stated Evary. “I realized I had stresses waiting for me in the future if I didn’t panic and act on my duties right now.”

A few hours later, Evary was back at his desk and acting as a productive member of society.

“I’m so glad I’m back to normal. Those timesheets won’t stamp themselves, regardless of whether or not I enjoy doing them!” said Evary.

When asked what advice he would give for anyone experiencing something similar, he thought for a minute before stating: “I’d tell them to just take a big breath, and try to remember all the demands you are obligated to meet, that you can never escape from. If you are ever feeling that you could be anything, talk to your boss, and you’ll be set straight very quickly!”

Pull: Despite the obvious awkward vibes, Evary kept talking about disturbing things like the idea that we choose our own narratives, and that we are all have to love and forgive one another in order to truly live in the present moment.

The Other Press

The Other Press, Douglas College's student newspaper since 1976. Articles, insight and updates from the New West and Coquitlam campuses.

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