Letter to the Editor: Have you seen my keys?

Where are they?
By Jonathan Elden, Worried Reader

Dear the Other Press,

I have read your paper for a while now, but there’s one question you have failed to answer: Where are my keys?

I thought I left them in the bathroom, but they’re not there. I already checked the key hook, so don’t bother asking. I wouldn’t normally ask you; I know you’re a very busy newspaper. It’s just that it’s been seven days and I still haven’t found them. I’ve looked everywhere. It’s been a full week of looking and phoning and yelling and crying and whispering. It’s been a hell of a time, I tell ya.

It’s just that I used to jangle them all the time. I miss that. And I miss scaring away large birds with them. Those birds would come at me with their large talons all the time. It made sense since I was in their nest collecting their delicious eggs, but they didn’t have to attack me, you know? They saw me in there and they made a choice to attack me instead of calling the police or signing a petition, like the rest of us have to do. Just because they’re birds they think they don’t have to live by our rules, and that’s not cool. I’ve tried to tell them that, but my attempts just resulted in more bird attacks from them, followed by more spite omelettes from me.

At first I thought the birds might have taken my keys, but then I realized there’s no way they could have. They probably thought about it, but then realized they had no pockets or key hooks or anywhere to place them.

Anyway, I was hoping you could do some investigative reporting, starting with interviewing the only witnesses of the key’s last whereabouts: My couch, my fridge, and that small stain on my carpet. I’ve tried for hours to get them to talk. I’ve tried every legal interrogation technique in the book before quickly moving on to illegal ones. In the end, I guess I’m glad they aren’t really talking, but if they do, they consented to everything. Remember that. Remember who’s paying you. Not me, obviously, since it’s hard to keep down a job when you are trapped in your home for a week because you don’t have your keys. But someone will pay, someone with money, and they will know me. It’ll probably be my mom. You wouldn’t want to upset my mom by having me arrested just because I assaulted a couch, do you? Think about that.

So, let me know what you find. Also, last question: Do you do ads? I’m trying to sell a couch. Slightly worn, damp, and cut in half. $500. Thanks.