Couples will now have their public displays of affection rated from ‘G’ to ‘R’
By Rebecca Peterson, Humour Editor
After several years of public petitioning, the government has now put in place a rating system that will confine acts of affection between couples to certain, age-appropriate areas of the Lower Mainland.
“It’s really about protecting the children,” said Chief Councillor Prue D. Smith of L.o.V.E. (Litigation of Various Excesses), a newly-minted government organization covering the activities and choices of adults in the public sphere. “Won’t anyone think of the children? It’s really only okay to see such things in PG-rated movies, not in real life!”
The Other Press has obtained a basic rundown of the new rating system in a leaked memo from L.o.V.E., and it reads as follows:
Activities appropriate for public viewing, such as hand-holding, gazing into one another’s eyes, forehead kisses, brief hugs, and some terms of endearment (limited to: “honey,” “dear,” and “sweetie.”) Can be performed anywhere, anytime.
Activities appropriate for most public spaces. This category includes closed-lips mouth-to-mouth kisses, as well as hugging for a period longer than three seconds. New terms of endearment added: “babe,” “handsome,” “beautiful.” Can be performed in most places, though not in excess, and not in view of children unsupervised by parents.
Activities appropriate for some public spaces. This includes open-mouth kissing (no tongue), occasional ass-slaps (for comedic effect only), and some cuddling. Terms of endearment may now include “hot stuff,” “tiger,” and “lover.” Can be performed in excess, though not close to schools and playgrounds, and subject to the objections of those around the couple in question.
Activities appropriate for few public spaces. This now includes “Frenching,” ass-grabbing, kisses below the mouth but above the collarbone, and some limited grinding. Terms of endearment may now include “sexy,” “love machine,” and “sugar tits.” Limited to spaces such as outdoor nighttime concerts, party venues, and Denny’s at 2 a.m.
Activities inappropriate for most public spaces. This includes basically everything a couple can do while keeping their clothes on, and all terms of endearment. Extremely limited to 19+ venues, and McDonald’s at 4 a.m.
Violators of the rating system will be charged with a misdemeanour, will be expected to complete 50 hours of community service and make reparations to the victims of their PDA.
The rating system has been met with some controversy, both from couples and allies of couples alike.
“Look, I’m still in the honeymoon phase of my relationship, and if I want to embarrass my friends by making out with my perfect boyfriend in the middle of a busy gelato place on a Saturday night, I have that right!” said one protestor, who has asked to remain anonymous. “We live in a free country, don’t we?”
“Honestly, I think the rating system is misguided,” said another protestor, an ally of the previous couple. “Like, it focuses on keeping the kids safe, which fair enough, but I think it misses out on the real victims of excessive PDA: friends and family. Watching someone you don’t know tongue battling on the street isn’t half as embarrassing and painful as sitting across from your best friend while they’re nibbling on their partner’s earlobe, like… honestly, it’s worse than dying.”
The discussion—and protest—is ongoing.