New reality show aims to populate red planet with attractive jerks
By Sharon Miki, Humour Editor
Is there life beyond Earth for the planet’s sexiest beings?
In a move that television insiders say was “duh, inevitable,” the American for-profit organization Mars Five has announced a collaboration with the Universal Broadcasting Company, Lance Bass, and NASA to produce a revolutionary new reality show that will bring the hottest and douchiest humans on Earth to live out the rest of their lives—on camera!—on the planet Mars.
“As a network—nay, as a species—we’ve simply run out of sexy locales in which the beautiful jerks of the human race can mingle,” said lead show runner for the program, Marc Burnetto. “Mars Shore solves this by taking the biggest idiots and the hottest babes and letting us watch while they move their game from the beach and the bar to the sandy beaches of the red planet!”
The reality show, tentatively titled Mars Shore, will follow the fun casting process on Earth, and then the incredibly difficult 54.6-million kilometre journey from Earth to Mars. Cameras will keep rolling until cast members eventually grow old and die, with subsequent spinoff “New Generation” series in the works, provided Mars Shore is a success with audiences.
“You never know, people might get bored with reality TV,” conceded Burnetto. “I hope not though, since we will be sending people away from their home planet for the rest of their natural lives!”
The show will be cast from a pool of 300,000 whiny girls, overtly chauvinistic men, models with self-esteem issues, sweet dunces, and good-looking people who tend to air on the side of beefin’ with each other. From this pool, 50 of the worst and dimmest will be selected for a rigorous two-month training regime to prepare contestants for interplanetary space travel and life on another planet.
“Like,” said potential cast member Britney O’Hara, 22, “I feel it’s my duty to make sure Mars isn’t full of bitches, you know?”
Indeed, a significant consideration of the casting process will be of potential cast members’ abilities to populate a new planet with human life.
“I mean, we don’t want to start the planet off with people who don’t look good in a bathing suit, am I right?” asked Burnetto.
“Yeah, yeah, I like that we’ll be responsible for populating the planet,” noted sexy bachelor Juan Pablo from the reality show The Bachelor, who is rumoured to be auditioning for Mars Shore producers. “I’m a real big fan of shows where I get to bone a pre-selected pool of hot women—and the space thing sounds hot… just like me!”
Casting for the show is slated to conclude by the end of 2014 with the show’s earthly season airing shortly thereafter; the show’s cast and crew will then leave planet Earth in late 2016, never to return.
