By Cazzy Lewchuk, Staff Writer
Based on analysts’ latest subscriber projections, the popular on-demand Internet streaming media company, Netflix, is expected to dominate the entire civilized world by the second quarter of 2014. The first phase will involve introducing more features, such as the “TV shows and movies that are actually good” package, which is currently available only to US subscribers. Another package in the works will include more subcategories such as “TV shows to binge watch while wearing pyjamas instead of doing homework” and “Movies constantly watched by unemployed stoners who use their friends’ accounts instead of buying their own.”
Netflix is also beta-testing a premium option that involves paying an additional $2 a month. In exchange, Netflix would send a streaming video of a giant raised middle finger to your former cable TV provider every month. Another option, designed for college students, will include sending users a jar and funnel for bathroom needs, as well as a jar of Nutella and Thermos full of coffee. Executives suggest that with this package, “students will never need to leave their beds—or Netflix—ever again!”
Netflix hopes these planned innovations will allow them to seize control of all inhabited countries and enter a new era of populations being mass-controlled through hypnotic messages inserted into the third season of Gossip Girl.
When asked for comment, recently unemployed programmer Ivan Lowlife said “Does this mean The Simpsons will finally come to Netflix? I’ve already watched all of Family Guy twice, and a new show would keep me busy for a week or so.” Pressed for an opinion about a corporation seizing control of the world, he replied, “Look, man, as long as I’ve got my laptop, I’m good.”
Previous attempts to enslave the world were attempted by Blockbuster, HBO, Shaw On Demand, Hulu, and Amazon Instant Video. These companies all failed in gaining control except in areas known as “the backwoods,” “the Prairies,” “Mississippi,” and “Edmonton, Alberta.”
Netflix’s data shows 90 per cent of users are already directly plugged into their Matrix, and it’s much too late to escape. “Even if someone cancels their account… forgets their password… they’ll be back before you can say ‘unlimited streaming.’ What else do you think they’ll use? Telus TV?!” said the Netflix CEO, before laughing maniacally.
However, the remaining 10 per cent of free viewers are found to all originate from Canada. As one Canadian subscriber put it, “After you marathon Breaking Bad and Mad Men, there really isn’t much good to watch anymore on there, eh?”
Currently, Netflix is preparing for war against another website poised for a world domination—this one based on anarchy and a lack of money. This foe is “like Netflix, except cheaper, with more content and less worries of ‘legality.‘” As this issue went to press, The Pirate Bay (TPB) had fired cannons into Netflix territory; Netflix responded by sending in an anonymous tip to TPB’s Internet service provider.