New law requires that cigarette packaging warn smokers about how cool they might look

Warnings of positive reinforcement from fellow peers meant to deter young people from smoking

By Jacey Gibb, Chief Cool Correspondent

In a surprising move by the Harper government, a decision was made last Thursday morning to pass a new law requiring that tobacco companies warn consumers about how cool smoking will make them look.

The law, which has so far been well-received by critics, states that all cigarette packages “must display a label clearly stating that smoking is a wildly cool habit” and that “chicks dig guys that smoke.” The law is expected to take effect early next month.

“I think the general public has known for quite some time now about how badass they look whenever they’re seen dragging on a smoke, but in recent years, it’s gone from mostly speculation to something supported by scientific evidence,” Wayne Brown, a spokesperson for Health Canada explained in an exclusive interview with The Other Press. “Numerous studies that we’ve conducted over the past two years have shown that individuals with traces of nicotine in their bodies were more likely to get invited to parties, ride motorcycles, and have a better time than individuals who didn’t smoke.”

The new law, appropriately nicknamed “Fonzie’s Law,” is just the beginning in what Health Canada is calling “the first step of a much bigger plan to educate the public on the dangers of looking cool.”

“When people light up for the first time, they’re not thinking about what they’re going to do with the insane amounts of action they’re going to get from the opposite sex or how dramatically affected their social calendar is going to be by being instantly popular,” Brown warns. “The long-term effects of smoking are very much real and it’s time that people know what they’re getting into.”

However, not everyone is as optimistic that the law will be effective in scaring off potential smokers. Jeanie Claude, a mother of three with too much time on her hands and a chip on her shoulder, has been particularly vocal in her opposition to Fonzie’s Law. Claude’s Twitter account, which she created only recently to spy on her 13-year-old son, has been producing negative tweets over the last 24 hours such as “gee guess my kids r safe now dat theres a sticker on the box #sarcasm” and “da guvernment rly jumpd da shark on dis 1 #seenhappierdays.”

Despite the resistance from Claude and no one else in particular, the government appears to be holding firm on their decision and will begin publishing similar warning ads in schools and mall food courts as early as next week.