Kim Jong-un believes new title to be ‘more accurate’
By Aidan Mouellic, Contributor
In a strategic move that Kim Jong-un hopes will make North Korea seem more powerful, the nation will be changing its name from the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea (DPRK) to The Universe.
Jong-un made the announcement last Saturday, saying that he was aware of most people not being impressed by the current name of his bizarre nation, which is the polar opposite of a democratic republic.
In an interview with North Korean State TV, Jong-un stated, “We are known as the DPRK, a name that is so long and stupid that it has become a mere acronym that no one uses.” Before the big reveal of what the country’s new name would be, Jong-un handed the newscaster a comically-large envelope, saying she would have the honour of telling the world what the nation’s new name would be.
The envelope contained an iPad, with the words “The Universe” written on the screen—though it should be noted that the words were literally written on the iPad with a permanent marker. When asked why the leader chose The Universe as the nation’s new name, Jong-un told a story from his childhood: “Since I was a boy, my father told me I could be anything. I always asked if I could be the leader of the Universe and he said yes, so I have always wanted to make that dream come true. Today I can officially say that I am the ruler of The Universe.”
Political commentators initially reported that Jong-un had become the most deranged world leader since George W. Bush, but professor of Linguistics at MIT, Noam Chomsky, says that what Jong-un has done is “technically more logical than calling his nation a democracy.”
“Since there is actually no definitive answer as to what the universe is, some might now see the universe as this fucked up place above South Korea” says Chomsky.
At this time, it is unclear how other world leaders will address Jong-un’s new title. While discussing his nation’s new name, the leader of The Universe stated “I will only reply to people who address me as The Leader of The Universe. Nothing else will do.” President Barack Obama was spotted by TMZ leaving a bar in Washington, DC and when the reporter asked him what he would address Jung-un as in his speeches, the president said that he will “Call him what he is: a delusional silver-spooned loser who dresses like he is a dentist doing oral surgery.”
When the United Nations was asked about the ramifications of the name change of North Korea, the UN spokesperson simply stated “We hope to never have to go to war with The Universe.”
Photo illustration by Joel McCarthy