Not easy being red

Hellboy: A minority of one?

By Adam Tatelman, Staff Writer

Last week, the Bureau for Paranormal Research and Defense (BPRD) agent Hellboy’s likeness was co-opted without permission for a Minority Rights Group International (MRGI) ad campaign. Rather than pressing charges, Hellboy entered into a public debate at the 2015 MGRI Conference with spokesperson Arthur White.

Hellboy was late due to security personnel classifying his stone fist as a weapon. As it was impossible for him to disarm without maiming himself, he was required to wear a zip tie that secured the fist to his belt. During questioning after the debate, Hellboy called this regulation “a load of crap.”

With amphibian BPRD agent Abraham Sapien cheering him on from the audience, Hellboy finally shook hands with Mr. White. Following that, the opening arguments began.

“As a person of colour,” said White, “you surely understand the need for greater representation of minority groups. We at MRGI feel your unique situation is an excellent example of this need. You are, as a demon, a poorly represented minority here on earth.”

“Everybody’s a minority somewhere,” said Hellboy, as he lit up a cigar. “You want more human representation down in Hell?”

“That’s hardly the point,” said White. “I think you’d make a perfect face for our campaign. Your work is sadly unappreciated on the basis of your appearance. Your struggle exemplifies the difficulties all minorities face here in the western world. With us, you can help show them what they’re really worth.”

“People never appreciate civil servants. Doesn’t matter if we fight crooks, fires, or monsters,” Hellboy replied, as he blew a smoke ring in White’s direction. “Whaddaya want me to do? Petition for demon quotas in the workplace? I like my job just fine. I know what I’m worth, and I don’t need anybody else to tell me that.”

“Think of the big picture,” said White between coughing fits. “Back in 1952, the United Nations had to grant you the status of Honourary Human. Before that, you weren’t even a person in the eyes of the law! It’s that kind of thinking that we need to challenge! How can we do that without—”

“I’ve had about enough of this crap,” Hellboy said, as he snapped the zip tie and snatched Mr. White’s microphone with his stone hand. “When things change, they always change slow. That’s okay. Bringin’ up the past doesn’t help anybody. I look how I look; you can take it or leave it. Because right now, the only one makin’ a big deal out of my skin is you.”

The moment Hellboy concluded his speech, the smoke detectors went off, triggering the sprinklers and drenching the crowd. Hellboy dropped the mic, walked out of the conference with Agent Sapien, and headed down to the local pub. Mr. White, stunned by this turn of events, was extracted from the building by the Fire Department in a state of shock.

Whether or not this incident will serve as the basis for a third Hellboy film remains to be seen.