Grouchy person decries new organic food disposal rules
By Sharon Miki, Humour Editor
Metro Vancouver’s new organic food waste disposal regulations have come under scrutiny by naysayers who disagree with the concept of waste reduction.
“I’ve been living off of a healthy diet of total garbage for more than 40 years now,” said pro-garbage lobbyist Oscar le Grouch. “Now the city wants to tamper things, take organics right out of my diet? It’s inhumane!”
The region’s organics disposal ban requires businesses and residents to separate their food scraps from their regular garbage. Slow-decomposing food waste builds up in landfills and contributes to methane production, which leads to dangerous greenhouse gas production. The theory behind the ban is that reducing quantities of food waste in the landfill may curb methane creation in the city—something the le Grouch is staunchly against.
“Bah—what’s so bad with a little extra greenhouse gas? Global warming? I really enjoy the extra heat in the winter. Makes me feel like we’re in a tropical garbage heap!”
According to le Grouch, residents should be more concerned about potential gross-out factors than they should be about air pollution.
“Just stuff everything into a black plastic bag, people,” said le Grouch. “Why worry about the mess? Remember: out of sight equals out of mind, and if it’s out of mind, you don’t need to worry about it!”
Environmentalists, however, counter le Grouch’s authority on the issue:
“He’s just a cranky garbage monster who’s worried that he’ll have to go farther to get his compost fix. Well too bad, le Grouch! We all have to make sacrifices to get what we want! I cycle an extra 30 minutes to get to the really good farmer’s market every Sunday, and you don’t hear me complaining,” shouted eco-conscious citizen, Fran Muppet.
“I love trash,” countered le Grouch.
The organic waste disposal rules have been in effect since January 1 of this year, and officials will begin enforcing fines for excessive food waste starting on July 1.