Office plant pines for better work-life balance

Ficus wishes it could make like a tree and leaf the office on occasion

By Klara Woldenga, Humour Editor

BREAKING:  The Vancouver law firm Rights, Amirite? has an office plant that has become dissatisfied with its work-life balance.

“It’s just work, work, work all the time, you know?” the office plant, a ficus, told the Other Press. “On the weekends everyone gets to go home, but I’m stuck here since I don’t have legs or a Segway. I’ve only been half paying attention to the law stuff that goes on around me, but I’m like 83 per cent sure I have rights.”

The plant is owned by the firm’s secretary, Joan Herrin. In an exclusive interview she told the Other Press that the ficus was fine until recently.

“I actually thought I would have more problems earlier since I bought the plant behind a Discount Foam store from a crazy scientist,” said Herrin. She also told the Other Press that, while she is aware of her plant needs for a work-home life balance, she isn’t sure what she should do to fix the problem.

“It’s not like I’m going to carry the plant back and forth from my house to work,” she said. “I already did that in my 20’s—my plant party days are over, I’m getting too old for that stuff.”

Herrin told the Other Press that she had tried to solve the problem by buying another plant to keep the ficus company; a jade plant. Unfortunately, as the two plants began to romantically fall for each other, Herrin found that her idea was not going as planned.

“As soon as I put the jade plant on my desk I saw that they two plants were slowly growing towards each other,” said Herrin. “I realized my idea hadn’t worked too well, and that I shouldn’t have bought another plant from that crazy scientist.”

“I loved that jade plant so much,” the ficus told the Other Press.

Herrin was quick to separate the two plants, as relationships in her office are strictly forbidden.

“Office romances are banned, and I wasn’t about to get HR involved, so I kept them apart as soon as I knew what was happening,” said Herrin. “I put a blanket over the jade plant—I assumed it would just go to sleep like birds do, but it died instead.”

The ficus was devastated by the jade plant’s death.

“I couldn’t even mourn properly,” said the ficus. “Not because I didn’t have time, but because I don’t know how plants mourn their dead.”

Nowadays, the ficus still sits at Herrin’s desk, but it hopes for better days ahead.

“I’m planning on going to Europe,” the ficus told the Other Press. “You know, to really find myself and get over that jade plant, on my own terms.”

“I have no idea how that ficus is going to get Europe,” said Harrin. “It has no concept of money, and it can’t move. Don’t tell it I said this, but I’m planning on ‘forgetting to water it’ until it dies. I can’t handle a talking plant at my desk. I doubt anyone could.”