A list of those who should rethink their lives
By Alex Stanton, Staff Writer
I’d say every single person has a list similar to mine—a list of people whom they either disapprove of or will never associate with, whether it’s for one reason or several. Now, I feel qualified to write a list like this, simply because I’ve never encountered anyone who would put me on their own lists. So without further adieu, in no particular order, here is a comprehensive list of people who should, perhaps, drop what they’re doing and just figure it out.
1. Stereotypical Vancouverites: If the idea of communicating outside of texting scares you; if you obsess over kelp chips, hot yoga, and being a more progressive health nut than everyone else; if you wear man buns or find them attractive (I’ll get to you guys later); if you see everyone outside of Vancouver proper as “suburban hicks”; if you’re an inconsiderate, downright shitty driver—then you are the main reason people are kidding themselves when they call Vancouver a “world-class city.”
2. Men who think Vancouver women are stuck-up bitches: I won’t give you shit for your sexist opinion—I’ll leave that up to feminists. It’s not my place. The problem isn’t with the bitchy women, it’s with you and the fact that you have less game than an Atari joystick.
3. Those with man buns: Really, guys? Just because you hear women in Vancouver say they find it sexy doesn’t mean you should ruin a perfectly good head of hair to impress them. I got my sister to make me a man bun, just for shits and giggles. It was the single worst experience of my life, a distant first-place to life events such as detoxing from an opiate addiction, losing my virginity in the back of my band-mate’s Pathfinder, and watching Freddy Got Fingered.
4. Gynaecologists who hand out bottles of Febreeze as end-of-appointment prizes: Self-explanatory, assuming you’re at an age where you know which part of the body a gynaecologist specializes in.
5. Men who wear fedoras or trilbys with street clothes: I mean, what the hell, man. Al Capone is forever rolling around in his syphilis-ridden grave.
6. People who see something interesting going on and feel the need to take a selfie with it: You’re driving on highway 99, and a brick just went through the windshield of a family vehicle, killing a wife and mother of three. You should call 911. “But first—lemme take a selfie!”
7. People who just film shit all the time in general: Everyone who does this has one thing in common—they are all some of the most boring, uninteresting people I’ve ever met.
8. Stoner’s who have Bob Marley’s face on all their shirts and bongs: The guy was a reggae musician (a fantastic one at that), not your patron saint of weed. Let sleeping dogs lie.
9. Condescending atheists: We get it, you don’t believe in God. You’re super enlightened and are smarter than everyone in the room, because identifying as non-religious is so uncommon and you’re just asking to be oppressed. Go back to reddit where you can debate your superior intelligence with fellow involuntarily celibate folks.
10. People who have nothing better to do than make lists of people they don’t like: Okay, so I am on someone’s list.
11. People who end lists on an odd number