Put the beanie down!

New bylaw bans fall clothing before September 23

By Isabelle Orr, Entertainment Editor

All autumn-lovers felt the harsh sting of the law last Thursday when Kyle Boyd, Vancouver Police Chief, announced a new bylaw freshly approved by City Council.

The aptly named “Forbidden Fall” bylaw prohibits the wearing of fall clothing before September 23, the official start of the season.

“Anyone wearing traditional ‘fall’ clothing before September 23 will be subjected to police interference,” Boyd said at a press conference. “After all, laws are laws.”

According to Boyd, the severity of the penalty depends on the outfit in question.

“For flexible things like a traditional scarf or toggle-button coat, you’re looking at a moderate fee. But for more autumn-inspired clothing—you’re looking at jail time.”

What exactly sparked this law?

“This regulation is aimed at the very kind of person who wants summer to end,” Boyd said. “Who actually looks forward to that? Long days, plenty of sunshine, almost every Netflix show releasing a new season… You’d have to be an absolute idiot to want summer to end just so you can layer your clothing.”

Boyd said he expects a certain level of pushback from the community.

“You have your freaks out there, those—you know—Halloween-y types. They’re probably going to be the hardest demographic to win over.”

Other Vancouverites weren’t happy with the strict fashion law.

“I only look good in jewel tones,” Maya McClaren, 25, told Other Press reporters. “It’s not my fault that I’m autumn-toned. Why should I be banned from wearing mustard yellow and forest green? This is the way I was born, and I’m proud of it.”

“This law is ableist and discriminates against people with bad hair,” Darren Sawyer, 28, said. “I’m self-conscious about my appearance at all times and I have to wear the same gross grey wool cap year-round, regardless of the season. Yes, everyone I’m sexually attracted to finds it disgusting. No, I never wash it.”

“I’m a ‘spooky’ type,” Rose Hoy, 34, said to press. “I’m someone who wears a Jack Skellington article of clothing no matter the month, or if I’m at my own sister’s baby shower. Fall—and Halloween especially—is the only time it’s socially acceptable for me to sit in a pumpkin patch and hiss at children who get too close to me. This law directly prevents me from expressing my true, authentic self, and I’m prepared to fight tooth and nail for what I believe is a fundamental human right. Also, I work at Spencer’s Gift in the mall. But that is unrelated.”

“Though this is a big change for many, I expect it will greatly help the community in the long run,” Boyd said at the conclusion of his press announcement. “In a place like Vancouver, which only has approximately two weeks of summer, we need the extra time to get as much serotonin as we can. After all, winter comes after autumn—and who can really emotionally prepare for that?”

Boyd added that anyone wearing Christmas-themed garb before December 3 would be shot on sight.