Savour the taste of bitter anguish with this four-month-long recipe
By Jessica Berget, Staff Writer
Stop me if you’ve heard this one: You did great on your last semester, but you’re currently having an awful one to balance it out, right? Say no more, we got you fam. Say goodbye to that 3.5 GPA you were rooting for, and say hello to burning out and just getting by. Just follow this simple 10-step, four-month-long recipe, and you will have one of the worst semesters of your academic career, guaranteed!
2 cups (500ml) of poor time management, zested
3 cups (750ml) of all-purpose crippling anxiety
1 four-month-long cold (or as desired)
2/3 of your nights staying up till 5 a.m. finishing homework even though you had all week to do it
$200 textbooks you never bothered to read because you’re “not feeling the whole reading thing today”
3 essays or major assignments that you have to skip class to finish because you forgot about them until the night before
300 cups of coffee
5 Tinder dates, seasoned
2 hoodies to wear almost constantly
2 three-hour classes
2 part-time jobs
1) Pick up all your homework for the week. Immediately put it down. Binge watch The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air instead.
2) Chill out, max, relax all cool, and shoot some b-ball outside the school.
3) Tell yourself you will do it all tomorrow, repeat step 1.
4) Combine all the ingredients slowly, so you don’t realize just how badly you’re screwing yourself over.
5) While you’re barely juggling your work, school, and social life, get a second job just to spice things up. It will leave you with almost no time to get your work done and the exhaustion will keep things interesting.
6) Burn out.
7) Sprinkle with seasonal depression to taste.
8) Receive final grades.
9) Die inside.
10) Serve, and enjoy!
Serves 1 very exhausted college student or 3 well-rested college students.