Report: Social epidemic solved after related hashtag trends for seven weeks

Citizens are relieved, excited that they never have to think about issue again

By Jacey Gibb, Distribution Manager

The place? Your town or city. The mood? Soaring high. That’s because earlier this week a new report by the Bureau of Science (B.S.) declared that all those hashtags and Facebook posts you’ve been witnessing have successfully cured the latest underlying social epidemic after a record-long seven weeks.

“I’ll be honest and admit that it was touch-and-go for a while there,” says Oliver Wilkens, one of the report’s lead researchers. “At first, we were unsure if the alarming social issue could be dealt with using ‘hashtag activism,’ but as of December 4, we’re happy to conclude that it is no longer a threat. Everyone should feel very hashtag blessed; this is a day for celebrations.”

Like #Kony2012, #JeSuisCharlie, and #StopGamergate before it, the hashtag was slow to build, originating back to 2007 by a woman-of-colour activist. But—as is usually the case with politics, lifestyle trends, and social change—without a prominent celebrity lending their voice to the movement, there was no hope of actual change ever being made, concludes the report.

“Mere normal citizens have no power compared to the supernova capabilities of celebrities who, career-wise, peaked in the early 2000s by starring in a show about modern witches with secret human identities,” the B.S. Report concludes. “Without these champions of the people, any cause is simply lost.”

The report, which was authored by a panel of prestigious, diversely-educated white men, also includes several recommendations for the next time society is faced with a social epidemic that requires our best and brightest tweeters’ attention.

“For the hashtag to achieve full potency, ensure that you don’t discuss in-person any aspect of the problematic culture our society is currently living,” advises the report. “If you bring up the epidemic in a face-to-face situation it will divert attention away from the hashtag you posted, and will dilute any effectiveness it has. Plus, it can be like, super awkward if you bring up the need for large-scale systemic change, but your pals just wanna have a chill time. So don’t mention the issue at hand, okay? Just keep calm and hashtag on.”

Vancouverite Bruce Simpson is one of the brave souls who posted a Facebook status during the latest social epidemic. In early November, Simpson boldly commented on someone else’s “#MeToo” status, saying that he “knows several women,” which placed him in the unique position of being able to empathize with how marginalized voices felt.

“I’m still in shock that this social crisis apparently exists, but I’m thankful that people are bringing it up. I also think it’s important that we hear both sides to this issue so we get a clearer picture. Maybe this epidemic that affects one in three women and one in six men is just an isolated incident? Or maybe it’s just this big misunderstanding?”

One thing is for certain: As long as we have comments like Simpson’s and hashtag activism, there’s no crisis our society can’t tweet its way out of.