Students propose new customer-friendly return policy
By Sharon Miki, Humour Editor
Are you sick of paying your hard-earned (or borrowed) money for a college course, and then getting literally nothing out of it when you’re done with it? Entrepreneurial student Jennifer McShifty might have the answer for you: a 60-day money-back return policy following the completion of courses.
“Look, I’ve been doing returns at Future Shop for years—I know how customer service should work. And I just don’t think the college is living up to its full potential when it comes to keeping its customers—the students—satisfied,” said McShifty, with a flip of her hair. “If I take a course, get to the end of it, and feel like I haven’t really learned anything that I’ll find useful in my day-t0-day life, I should be able get my money back. It’s that simple.”
McShifty’s return-for-refund proposal has been met with mixed reactions. Students, who are finding themselves going into debt to pay escalating tuition costs—with no solid future job prospects—are pretty much totally for it.
“So, like, if I get really into a guy and spend most of the semester texting my friends about the soft sexy swoop of his hair instead of paying attention to the teacher… I can get my money back and go to Aritzia? Sweet,” said second-year arts student Madison Vogue. “Knowing that I won’t have to pay for this in the end will make going to class a lot more tolerable.”
College administration, on the other hand, has some reservations about the fiscal efficacy of the idea.
“If everyone could just get their money back after any course they didn’t totally like or get much out of, we’d probably go broke,” said an anonymous—but probably still very important—college official. “And if the college goes broke, then you won’t have anywhere to go to take courses that will frustrate you, now will you?
“Also, it would cost a lot to hire staff to process all of those returns, so we’d probably have to increase tuition costs by quite a bit. This isn’t really fair to anyone who ever plans on actually graduating.”
Still, despite the college’s solid argument, McShifty is not swayed in her self-righteousness.
“Say what you will, college, but I stand by the golden rule: the customer is always right. In fact, I’ve totally dropped out of all my classes to focus on promoting my idea further. No, I did not get my money back for the courses I dropped at the end of the semester… yet.”
McShifty will be pitching her business concept to CBC’s Dragons’ Den any day now. In the meantime, the college suggests students start paying more attention in class if they’re concerned about not getting their money’s worth.