Illustration by Cara Seccafien
Dies of hand cramps in second week
By Duncan Fingarson, Contributor
Douglas student Harold Author has died this week from severe hand cramps. Author reportedly began feeling severe pain in his dominant hand soon after opting to take three writing-heavy classes in one semester. Two weeks in, he was heard complaining to his fellow students about a sharp pain. He was later found slumped over his desk, pen still clutched in one hand, having apparently died from trying to write too much too fast.
“He was the sort of person who always wanted to take notes by hand,” said friend of the deceased, Shirley Jokin. “Even if the instructor provided handouts, he’d get out his binder and write everything down himself. It got worse when he started taking English classes. He… he refused to use a computer…”
Ms. Jokin said nothing else for some time, and instead stared off into space muttering about poor, foolish Harold.
While it’s a widely-held fact that writing your own notes improves retention and aids learning, there is such a thing as going too far. Most instructors prefer papers to be typed, but Harold was known to hand-write every assignment. Very neatly, but still, come on man.
“Harold liked the tactile feel of pen, or pencil, on paper,” Ms. Jokin said when she was finally able to speak once more. “I was trying to convince him to get a laptop. He eventually conceded to getting a typewriter, to see how that would go, but those are just impossible to find. They’re really heavy, too. Have you ever tried to carry a typewriter? It’s worse than textbooks, and we all know how heavy those are.”
Harold’s last will and testament stated that if he died while still in college, he wanted his textbooks sold back to the bookstore to help fund his funeral. Unfortunately, though he originally paid $8,000 for the stack of textbooks found in his room, the most the bookstore was willing to offer on buyback was a crumpled fiver and a pink gumball. The family has elected to build a casket out of the textbooks instead.
Author’s funeral will take place next Thursday at 3 p.m.
