Photo by Analyn Cuarto
‘Yeah, we’re reeeeeeally excited,’ says trilingual advocate
By Jacey Gibb, Distribution Manager
In what may totally be the most important moment since Canada’s proclamation in 1867, the federal government announced on January 1 that Canada is now officially a trilingual country.
“We are both proud and humbled to have Sarcasm alongside English and French as Canada’s official languages,” said Justin Trudeau, in a press conference on January 2. “Canada is a country rich in diversity, and we know this decision will only help to better represent our multicultural nation.”
Trudeau then made the announcement in French, and then in Sarcasm, closing with, “I’m sooooo thrilled to be speaking about this today. There’s nothing else in the whole wide world I’d rather be doing than standing here, before you all, using taxpayers’ money wisely and efficiently.”
Under Canada’s Official Languages Act, Canadians now have the right to receive federal services in English, French, or Sarcasm, as well as the right to be heard in federal courts in the official language of their choosing.
Official government documents, including laws, proceedings, and regulations, will also now be available in Sarcasm. Several new positions have also been created on the federal level, including multiple translators in Parliament for any visiting diplomats who may require translation from Sarcasm to French or English.
The announcement is a huge victory for teenagers, comedians, and assholes with low self-esteem who use sarcasm as a way to mask their deep-rooted insecurities.
Tyler Reynolds, a 17-year-old and self-described “sarcasm advocate,” told the Other Press that he was feeling “just peachy” about the federal government’s decision.
“You know, people talk about how they remember exactly where they were or what they were doing during important moments throughout history, during the moon landing, or when the Berlin Wall came down,” says Reynolds. “This is that moment for me. This is my moon landing moment. No, for real though. Swear to God.”
But not everyone is as peachy as Reynolds over Canada’s decision to become a trilingual nation. The federal government has over 250,000 employees, for many of whom mandatory language training will now be priority.
“Equipping federal employees with the skills they need to communicate in Sarcasm will take time, but we’ve already begun the process,” says Debra Woolie, the newly-appointed Commissioner of Sarcasm, after clarifying that the title was 100 per cent sincere.
However, Woolie then delivered the same talking points, in the exact same fashion, further blurring the lines of whether not this whole decision was a long-winded sarcastic joke, or if it’s now an actual reality for the country.
