Your peers got them all, somehow
By Cazzy Lewchuk, Staff Writer
The winners of the 2015 Academy Awards have been leaked—and in a very surprising twist of events, most of them were won by last-minute local nominees. In what many question to be a selective Academy committee, the performances and feats awarded an Oscar range mostly in college-aged individuals in the Greater Vancouver area. While many question the legitimacy of the winners—most of whom were not even participating in an actual movie during their performances—the leaks have been published in a well-respected media source. The Other Press is well-known for its serious, totally-not-a-joke quality journalism absolutely not written by hack creative writing majors, particularly in the last few pages.
Best Actor: won by Trevor Smith, 22, for his explanation to his girlfriend of why he stood her up on Valentine’s Day. Complete with tears that were almost real and a voice with a slight hint of remorse, Trevor gave a moving performance as he told his obviously fake story to his girlfriend. Particularly wowing was his story of how his phone and car battery had both died, as well as his stunning silence when asked where the used condoms in the back of his pickup truck had come from.
Best Actress: awarded to Lily Jones, 18, for her explanation on why she missed the midterm. Her story included a sick kitten and dying aunt, combined with a sudden measles infection. This was in stark contrast to her reality of sleeping until noon and a long line-up at Starbucks.
Best Film: awarded to various students of English 1100 for their five-minute adaptation of Gilgamesh, filmed with an iPhone and hastily edited in class during the other group presentations. The Academy was unanimous in their agreement that “somehow this amateur picture resonates far better than Birdman, Whiplash, Foxcatcher, or any of those other ‘professional’ productions ever will.”
Best Actress In A Supporting Role: Zoe Anderson, 20, gave a stunning performance in her relationship reassurance to her best friend. “Trevor was probably not cheating on you and totally just forgot about Valentine’s Day!” is a quote to be remembered for years to come. It becomes even more poignant if the audience is aware that Zoe spent all of Valentine’s Day extremely close to Trevor in the back of his pickup truck.
Best Adaptation: Already praised by peer reviewers and professors alike, Jackie Sommers’ final essay—awarded 100 per cent and used as an example for future classes—was agreed to be a quality piece of work by all other evaluators. Considering the entire paper was plagiarized from Wikipedia with minor edits so it didn’t look weird, it’s no surprise this student is on her way to a long and fulfilling journalism career.