Also: the ‘Jack and Jill’ film review
By Sherman Shore, Film Critic
My dearest Shawna,
You know me, your caring husband, quite well. So you must remember—on our honeymoon, when we went dune buggying on the smooth, sandy hills of Cairo—my personal prediction about my own untimely and early death. You do remember what it was that I said, my love?
I said that if, someday, somehow, for some reason I couldn’t think of, my life were to end prematurely… the man responsible would be Adam Sandler.
If only you knew how right I was. Perhaps you wouldn’t have chortled at me and snatched that pony of Arabian absinthe out of my hands as if I were delusional.
Remember Adam Sandler, honey? Being a man who was a teenager in the 1990s, I was exposed to the first wave of stupid, gross-out comedies targeted towards our demographic, like that one movie where an overly hormonal adolescent decided to fuck an apple pastry. If you remember the ‘90s like I do, you’ll remember that Adam Sandler was the pioneer of this kind of dreck.
Well, he’s finally done it, Shawna. Adam Sandler has made a movie so horrifying and displeasing to every sense imaginable, that I’m almost certain to have lost my faith in the art of the motion picture. It has been 48 hours since I watched Jack and Jill, and I’ve finally decided to make my peace.
Did you ever think you’d see Sandler dressed in drag, darling? Did you ever want to see Sandler dressed in drag? Did you ever want to see two Sandlers—one male and one dressed poorly in drag—with the male Sandler trying to get the female Sandler to bump uglies with Al Pacino? Al Pacino… Did I mention I really don’t want to live anymore?
I’ve seen the worst of the worst, dearest Shawna, but this film was horribly offensive (even my brother said so, and he’s a fat sheriff in Missouri). This movie displays, in the plainest terms, why everyone else worldwide thinks white people are inherently racist. No one is safe from this movie: Mexicans, women who don’t look like supermodels, Dunkin’ Donuts, weirdoes who hook up on Craigslist… Sandler drops an A-Bomb on any semblance of political correctness or socially acceptable behaviour, and, as I now know, they don’t make water hot enough to wash off that kind of dirt.
Finally, I must apologize to you and the kids. I’m sorry that I let this god-awful, piece of shit movie—made by the most outrageously offensive person to ever exist—affect me in such a massive way. I just hope that my important, necessary work as a film critic will be enough to ensure your future.
I love you, Shawna Shore.