This is why I’m single


Illustration by Ed Appleby

The worst pickup attempts of all time

By Mercedes Deutscher, Contributor

Do you ever feel like you’re destined to die alone? Is your fate living in solitude with your 49 cats? Do you always fail at wooing someone you’re interested in? Fear not, you are not alone. The following are examples that it isn’t better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all. Do not attempt this at home—or ever.

Shane Dayne: “I once tried the pickup line, ‘Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?’ Turned out she was actually Satan. Whoops.”

Basil Lawrence: “I’m from Australia, and it was summer. I was trying to impress a girl, so I offered to buy her a Golden Gaytime—an ice cream treat we have in Australia. It completely slipped my mind that Golden Gaytimes aren’t sold in Canada. She never talked to me again.”

Sultan Velazquez: “I was on a date, and this girl had really nice-smelling hair, like cinnamon. I went on about how much I loved cinnamon, especially in apple pie and pumpkin pie, while occasionally complimenting her hair. She went to the washroom and never came back. She thought I wanted to put her hair in a pie, like in Family Guy.”

Dorothy Ferraro: “I study calculus and I’m totally into it. I once used a pickup line along the lines of, ‘Baby, our love is like dividing by zero, it’s undefined.’ I learned the hard way to not divide by zero. A black hole emerged and sucked in the lady of my fancy.”

Westley Richards: “I heard from a friend that the Other Press published an article the other week about this girl who was trying to buy an English bae. And I’m like, ‘Hey, I’m English, I’m broke, and I could be some cute girl’s bae.’ I contacted her and she wasn’t interested. Turns out she was trying to buy English BAY.”

Satomi Ma: “I was at a house party and was chatting with this really cute guy. The pizza had just arrived, and I got excited because pizza is like, my life. I said, ‘Let’s get some pizza,’ and he said, ‘Gross, how do you eat that crap?’ I proceeded to punch him in the face. You know how it is. Dough before bros. If he don’t like the cheese, he ain’t gonna please.”

The Other Press

The Other Press, Douglas College's student newspaper since 1976. Articles, insight and updates from the New West and Coquitlam campuses.

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34 comments on “This is why I’m single
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