‘Choosing to build Alberta on a finite resource is everyone’s problem now!’ says premier
By Klara Woldenga, Entertainment Editor
In a shocking turn of events Alberta’s premier, Rachel Notley, has stated that she is pulling her cowboy province out of the national climate-change plan to protest the federal ruling that has halted the Trans Mountain pipeline.
“We won’t stand for this, the world won’t stand for this,” Notley told reporters. “Alberta is angry, and I am angry.”
When asked how a large piece of Canada’s land could explain complex human emotions, let alone speak to her, she told reporters that they wouldn’t understand.
“It’s an Albertan thing,” she said. “You don’t get our hats either.”
Speaking to reporters on Wednesday, Notley said that she is demanding the Liberal government to appeal the court ruling, and to call an emergency parliament session to fix the National Energy Board in order to get those “Sweet, sweet stacks flowing again.” She says she doesn’t understand the hold up, and is confused about the “Resistance towards extending a pipe that carries dangerous liquid dinosaurs from point A to point B.”
“I don’t get it, everyone loves dinosaurs,” she told reporters. “Our Royal Tyrrell Museum of Paleontology is one of our biggest summer attractions.” She then contorted her right hand into some-sort of dinosaur head shape and made a poor imitation of a Jurassic Park raptor noise.
“We have chosen to build our province’s economy on a black and gooey finite substance,” Notley told reporters. “We’re not about to own up to our mistake now that it’s running out and causing a bunch of trouble.”
Notley also addressed her disappointment towards the public, telling reporters that “With all the new-fangled memes kids have nowadays, I thought the focus on this pipeline extension would have died out by now.”
“I think she’s doing the right thing,” Thompson Hennar, local Albertan and cow enthusiast, told reporters. “I don’t know anything about British Columbia, or mountains—as I’ve never seen one—but I assume it’s perfectly safe and reasonable to extend the pipeline.” When asked where he lived, Hennar stated he lived on a 10-acre plot of land near a beautiful stream, and if any reporters got their greasy reporting vans near his well he would shoot them.
Ottawa’s representatives were quick to comment, stating: “We don’t listen to anyone who makes ultimatums, or really bad Jurassic Park raptor impressions.”
Despite the pushback from her announcement, Notley stated that she is firm on her decision, closing her latest press conference by stating: “Our province has been short-sighted for this long, and we see no reason to stop now.”