Fall hates you, so hate it back
By Klara Woldenga, Entertainment Editor
Oh boy, fall: The most overrated season. People love to praise autumn, but you know better. When “fall lovers” are shocked by your fully justified hate, pull out this list to silence those leaf-crunching sheep.
Autumn leaves are garbage
Those things on the ground that you love so much? They are garbage, man. Literal garbage. They are things that trees no longer need and then throw to the ground with no regard for anyone else. Want to get back at the foliage? Stomp their stupid garbage right in front of them, but don’t enjoy it.
Pumpkin Spice Lattes are the spawn of the Gourd Devil
If you buy them then you are worshiping an evil god that has a hard exterior and weird seeds. Is that something you want? I didn’t think so.
Scarves are things that strangle you
Sure, they look soft, but one wrong move and BAM—you’re dead from lack of oxygen, my good friend. These things can get caught in bus doors, SkyTrain doors, or your very own door. Do yourself a favour and burn all of your scarves, along with your friends’ scarves. They might be like, “What the hell man,” or “You can’t light a fire in my apartment,” but they’ll thank you when they aren’t dead.
The temperature is super flakey
Fall weather thinks it can do whatever it wants, and that’s not cool. What’s wrong with you, fall weather? Are you hot? Cold? Make up your damn mind and let me live my awful life.
Free Halloween candy is only for the children
I work hard, I occasionally do my taxes, and how does life repay me? By telling me I’m too old for the one day a year where you get free sugar. Rude. Show fall who’s boss by stealing children’s candy. Pro tip: You don’t need to just do this in the fall. Sure, you’re angry at the season, but there’s no reason you can’t just steal candy from children every season. Every day even.